Did you know?

            Did you know that Johnny Appleseed was a real person? He was in fact John Chapman an itinerant preacher with a few flashes of sanity. He reportedly roamed the middle states from 1810 till 1830 preaching the Swedenborgian Gospel (whatever that is) and planting apple trees. He is said to have planted tens of thousands trees. He must have had a really big bag of seeds.

Necessity, the mother of invention:

            I have invented a small, flexible ballpoint pen, which when coupled with a tough covered mini writing pad can be carried in the back pocket and be handy for jotting down quick notes, phone numbers, messages, and the like. Now if one of my readers would care invest about a million dollars I can develop and promote this product. Any takers?

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

Coming soon…. Mid-August 2014 –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Who gives orders to generals?

            I do – or did for a few weeks at least. Many years ago, I was on the school board at a little private school in Illinois. The school was not parish based, it had been established to educate the Catholic children from a nearby Air Force base. Our major source of finances, besides tuition, came from Saturday night bingo. I managed the bar (the only thing I was qualified to do). One of my volunteer workers was Colonel, Orley Gonzales. Lo-and-behold old Orley became the first Latino to be promoted to the rank of an Air Force General, and for about 2 bingo sessions I was giving orders to a general. A typical order that I might have given went something like this, “Oh, here, Orley sir, let me do that for you.”

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

Coming soon…. Mid-August 2014 –  Cain  Cain is now in the final edit stage.

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Math – A creative science:

            I was talking with an old high school friend who had gone into the sciences, and I told him that I thought math was a creative science. His reaction was, “Nonsense! Math is an exact science. Numbers don’t lie, they are what they represent.” So I showed him one of my golf score cards, and he had to agree that math could be creative.

Truths:

Success: A person either has importance or he does not; all the chest thumping, strutting, and braggadocio in the world is not going to change that.

Life: Life is much too important to be taken seriously.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

Coming soon…. Mid-August 2014 –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Tupperware and the Church:

            A fella I once knew told me that he had grown up as a Methodist. Having been *”raised in the canebrake by an old mamma lion” I didn’t know what that was all about. He said they just sang a lot and had a lot of covered dish socials .He called it a Tupperware Tabernacle. I often wondered if his church had a missing roof.                  *Sixteen Ton by Tennessee Ernie Ford

Mind refreshment:

            Every now and then, my thinking gets a little stale. When this happens I usually take my mind out, lay it on the deck and hose it down with cold water. It will shake off the excess water and bask in the sun to dry. Then it will disappear for several days, and when it returns it is full of brand new thinking. I don’t know where it goes, but it comes back happy and refreshed.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

Coming soon…. Mid-August 2014 –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Seat Belts – One of my better habits:

            The action of strapping on and clicking a seat belt has become so ingrained to me that it is now a thoughtless process. If I stop at the road to get the mail, when I get back into the truck I will often belt up for the 100 foot trip up the driveway. I have also belted up while driving around the field picking up downed limbs and other storm debris. I think, though, my pinnacle of mindlessness came the other day when I got on the mower and reached for the belt.

The Hereafter:

It’s a known fact that I truly enjoy my life. What worries me is that when I eventually meet St. Peter he might look in that book and say, “Lou, I’m afraid you have already had more than your fair share of fun and enjoyment.”

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

Coming soon…. Mid-August 2014 –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Perfect Match:

            A couple of years ago, our internet was out for about a week, so I’d run up to the public library once a day to take care of email and anything else that I needed. There was a couple there every time I went. They were there when I arrived and still going when I left. I couldn’t help hearing a conversation one day. They must have been looking for an apartment because the conversation went like this:

She: Here’s one near Missouri State campus.

He: But that’s 20 miles from work, and it’s a lot more expensive.

She: Yeah, but being that close, we can get the university’s Wi Fi for free.

He: Cool! Write down that number.

Hopefully that is a childless relationship. I’ve always said that Stupid People Shouldn’t Have Children….They Shouldn’t Be on Facebook Either.

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Blocking:

            Many of my more athletic friends know how to block a basketball, block a running back, or block the plate. Some of my techy friends know how to block, spam, pop-ups, and emails from the boss. Any married man knows how to block voices in the feminine range, but do any of you know how to block a fedora? How many of you know what a fedora is?

Speaking of Football:

          Last fall Avon said to me, “When you get to a stopping point would you…” That’s when I cracked up, and of course she had no idea what I was laughing about. There I was sitting and watching the Rams get their brains knocked out – again, and that’s an activity that is stoppable at any time. I was more than happy to go do whatever it was she wanted. 

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

Coming soon…. Mid-August 2014 –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Age Goes Out the Window:

            There are times when your real age does not exist, but a remembered age steps in and takes over automatically. One instance would be having a brand new Corvette pull up next to you at a traffic light. In your mind, you are immediately transformed to a 25 year old. But you are transformed back as the light changes and every one behind you is honking at the 70 year old fool who isn’t moving. Another instance is when walking down an isle at WalMart and some pert young thing flashes you a granddaughterly, smile. You know she is only being cordial, but your mind takes over, and you stand bit taller, your hair is thicker and has less gray, your paunch goes away, your chest is fuller, and all those aches and pains seem to disappear. For one brief but splendid half second, you are in your prime again, and you make a promise to yourself to spend more time in the gym…. A promise that lasts no longer than it takes for the aches and pains to return.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

Coming soon…. Mid-August 2014 –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Some Possible Animal Meat:

            I was cleaning out my email Spam folder, which started me thinking of Spam. I loved that stuff! After hot dogs, it was my favorite thing to eat. I even liked that jell it was packed in – I didn’t know you weren’t supposed to eat that stuff. I have no idea what was in it, and I doubt that I would be allowed to eat it now, but I sure loved it – back then.

Squirrel War:

As some of you may know I’ve been on a crusade to rid my place of squirrels and possums. Whenever I would get one I would pitch it out into the road and the cars flatten it in no time to where you can pick it up by the tail and throw it. It will sail better than a Frisbee. The road had became littered with little flat squirrels and possums, so I made a deal with Wang’s Chopstix R Us - a local Cashew Chicken place. I wouldn’t recommend eating there.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

Coming soon…. Mid-August 2014 –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

A house of straw:   

            I have mentioned the folks across the road before, Napoleon and Josephine Biggs (the $3000 playhouse). I’m mentioning them again. Napoleon mowed the other day and left so much dead grass that the girls piled it up and made a fort with it. They still haven’t used that high dollar playhouse.

The stork club:

            While playing golf yesterday morning, I took a look at my fellow players and then at myself. I started laughing in the middle of a putt. There we were, 4 old men being supported by 8 bony legs. For a moment, I held the vision of a bunch of gangling storks stomping around in an open field.... I missed the putt.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

Coming soon…. Mid-August 2014 –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Bumblebees are the craziest people:

            We have 3 bushes, which when flowering attract Bumblebees by the hundreds. I don’t know the name of the bushes so I just call them George, G.W., and Anheuser. When those fat sluggish bad boys converge on the shrubs, I noticed that one stays separated from the rest. He hovers about the perimeter and attacks any flying intruder. I’ve seen him chase off butterflies, June bugs, birds, and even bumblebees, presumably from another tribe. I’ve found that if I toss a small piece of anything in his direction he will chase it – hours of fun. But, after tossing I always try to look really innocent – it wouldn’t do to get him miffed.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

Coming soon…. Mid-August 2014 –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

How to speak Missouri:

            First of all, you have to be able to pronounce it. Missouri is pronounced just like it is spelled, with an i at the end not an a. There seems to be one small town in the center of the state that pronounces it with an a, and it has infected many people from other states. Missouri is a very difficult dialect and must be taken in small doses. So we will start with the English word “you” and explore the various forms of it. If we divide the state into 4 geographic units we can explore the differences.

North of the Missouri River: You (singular) You (plural) Yours (possessive) just like regular English – a most uninteresting part of the state.

St. Louis & Kansas City:  You (singular) Youse (2 people) Youse Guys (more than 2people) Yourses (singular possessive) Yourse Guyses (plural possessive).

South of the Missouri River: You  (singular) You-uns (2 people - pronounced yuns) You-unes (more than 2 people) Yournses (singular or plural possessive)

Boot Heel: You-un (singular - pronounced U.N.) You-uns You-all (2 people – you-all is pronounced as 2 words) You-allses (possessive). There is no word for more than 2 people since few Boot Heelers can count that far.

            The difficulty with Missouri’s Dialects, or Mo-talk, stems from the fact that most of our ancestors immigrated from Kentucky, Tennessee, and Georgia. Those people haven’t spoken English for several centuries.

            While putting this piece together, my computer fought me on every word. It got so frustrated that I got an email from Bill Gates threatening to have me committed if I didn’t stop the insanity. In other words, Missouri words were driving Microsoft Words bonkers.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

Coming soon…. Mid-August 2014 –  Cain 

Cain is now in the proofing and editing stage... in other words out of my hands. 

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

A Day in the Life of Lou:

            The question was raised, how did I hurt my shoulder? Actually, it was mostly age and orneriness… arthritis, tendinitis, and a bone spur. It had been bothering me, so I went to see Dr. Feelgood. She gave me a steroid shot, some sympathy, and a little petting. I felt better immediately. A little schmoozing from a cute little red headed doctor does wonders for aches and pains.

            Two days later, we had a problem with the water well, not to be confused with our oil well, which we don’t have. The well tech was finishing up and had a 6 foot long 4 inch diameter steel pipe holding the well house door open. He motioned the neighbor and me over to show us something. The neighbor kicked that pipe loose and it started to fall toward the well tech. To keep him from getting his noggin conked, I reached back and grabbed the pipe. I can’t remember ever feeling anything quite like that. Those tendons were screaming all the way to my toes. Dr. Feelgood’s good work was all undone, and it will be several months before I can get another shot or schmoozing from a cute red head. I may have saved that boy from getting his skull cracked, but I’m paying for it.

            This only goes to prove that the old adage is true… “No Good Deed Goes Unpunished”  

Still in Pain!

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

Coming soon…. Mid-August 2014 –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Only in the Ozarks:

            Driving past a construction site yesterday, I saw a sign that made me scratch my head. It read, “Clean Fill Dirt Wanted”. Now, dirt by its very nature is not clean, it’s dirty. How would you get dirt clean – wash it? That would only give you mud, which would be wet dirt. Personally, I think that contractor may as well ask for some green cheese from the moon. He’d have about as much chance getting that, as he would clean dirt.

Truths:

Will Rogers once said, “I never met a man I didn’t like.” I feel the same way, but there were some of those *%@!!  I didn’t like for more than 5 seconds.                        Lee Brickey

I hope you're enjoying the Ed and Edna feature. I've got a bad shoulder and for the time being, I can't draw or paint any new pictures. But as soon as possible I'll have Ed and Edna in different poses.

In the mean time Read More Westerns.

Timing is everything:

            Back in 1973, the lovely Avon bought a new Buick Century. It had everything imaginable except an EPA mileage estimate, (that started in about ’75) it turned out to be about 12 mpg by actual calculations. That was the year the Arab oil embargo hit. Gas prices skyrocketed from $0.35 to $0.75 a gallon. What really hurt was that we traded a VW Karman Ghia in on the Buick; the Ghia got a peak of 40 mpg and never less than 33 mpg. The one consolation was that the Buick could really get down the road. Unfortunately, a 55 mph national speed limit was invoked. I have to admit though it looked good sitting in the driveway. Yep, those were the good old days.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

Coming soon…. Mid-August 2014 –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Did you know?

            Did you know that just last week the one-millionth word was added to the English language? It was of the Techno-Gibberish variety, which meant absolutely nothing to me. I had estimated that there were about one hundred thousand, which would be more than enough. I guess it doesn’t really matter to me because I only know a couple of hundred and can spell very few of those.

Truths:

 A smile is something everybody everywhere does in the same language.     Wooden Ships by Crosby, Stills & Nash

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

Coming soon…. Mid-August 2014 –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Some of you may not know it but, I have a part time job as an adviser to the lovelorn. Here is a recent letter.

Doctor Love: This letter is from Janice in Atlanta:

            Dear Dr. Love, My husband is 30 years older than me and is a very successful businessman. I live in the lap of luxury with servants, jewels, and exclusive memberships. He works long into the night and sometimes he comes home smelling of cheap perfume and gin. I have also found feminine garments in his car. Should I leave him?

            Dear Janice: So, you’re married to an old, hard working, sneak drinking, cross dresser, with poor taste in after-shave, who is extremely generous. Get him some better cologne, and let him borrow some of your clothes now and then.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

Coming soon…. Mid-August 2014 –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Physically pitiful:

            When our new community center opened, Avon was quick to sign us up for membership, which meant the dreaded gym. So with gym bag in hand and a gun pointed at my head, I went. I even took on a personal trainer. Her name is Fi-Fi LaTorso, which is French for “Oooo-La-La.” I wanted to come an hour later one day and she said she couldn’t switch because her next client was a very important Texas oil billionaire who flew in from Dallas for each appointment, and he needed a LOT of help.

As I was leaving I bumped into Uncle Ed grinning like a moron, wearing his high school gym shorts, a 10 gallon hat, and cowboy boots.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

Coming soon…. Mid-August 2014 –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

An Exercise in Futility:

            I live at the very top of a verrry steep hill, which allows me a great view. But with an intersecting road directly across from us, the county has deemed it a slow down zone and posted a 30 mph sign. That doesn’t deter the youngsters who seem to think that if they can get going fast enough, they can get airborne at the top. None of their vehicles have yet reached the 190 mph that it would take to leave the ground, but they keep trying.

            Watching them risk life and limb at the cost of a few mailboxes, harkens me back to when I was their age. There was a railroad crossing on Hartman Ln back home in Illinois that we all knew would send us into space orbit, if we could just get those old junkers going fast enough. The only thing we accomplished was to make our junkers even junkier.  

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

Coming soon…. Mid-August 2014 –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

The Brits…Vol 4

            Our last stop before I turned in what was left of the rental car, was to run by Buckingham Palace and say “Howdy” to the Queen…. Just to let her know that we had no hard feelings about that colony business. We got over it.

            When we got there, I was amazed to see so many people lined up practically half way around the block. They were in the most outlandishly fancy clothes I’d ever seen. Each one was dressed like something I’d only seen in movies. The ladies had long dresses and large hats, and the men were rigged with tails and top hats. The colors would put your eyes out. I was sure the circus had come to town. There they were, standing two by two outside the gates.

            There was a fella who was also dressed like a million bob, carrying a clip board stopping at each couple, I think he was taking tickets. So I went up to him and asked which door I should go to so we could get in to see the queen. He said, the queen could not take visitors today because she was having High Tea. I told him that I liked iced tea and asked if it was sweet or unsweet?

            He told me, “Bugger off.” Well I was embarrassed, so I wiped my nose, and left. I told Avon that we weren’t going to get in, so we just took pictures. I would have liked to see that circus though.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High…and now… Blue Norther

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

The Brits… Vol 3

            We were running amuck in the UK, trying to see all the things that we had heard about for so many years and see as much of the countryside as possible. When we got into Scotland, the people weren’t quite as open as they were in England, but my driving got worse. Glascow nearly did us in too many times to tell about here. The weather got colder… it was July and we had to buy wool sweaters to keep from freezing. Funny thing, they ran the British Open on the radio just like a ball game with play by play announcing.

            We wound up at Loch Ness looking for the monster, but couldn’t see it, so we got a hotel. I could find a Holiday Inn, so we stayed in a typical little inn, which had one TV, no dining room and all the keys fit every lock. The next morning , we were leaving to go back to London and then home, and we wanted to stop by to say howdy to the Queen. So we needed to leave early.

            When I went to check out that morning about 6 am, there was nobody about.  I waited and dinged the little bell, but no one came. So I calculated what they said the room would cost and I was a few pence short without leaving way too much. I left a note telling them that if that wasn’t correct they could send me a bill, or they could collect from that taxi driver in London because he had some extra….. I never heard from them.

  

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High…and now… Blue Norther

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

The Brits…Vol 2:

            Continuing my invasion of the UK, we of course had to visit Shakespeare’s home at Strafford on Avon. Now when I travel, I almost always have my own Avon with me so I was pretty much used to that. I did, however, take a picture of the lovely Avon standing on a footbridge next to a sign that read “Avon River” I titled the photo “Avon on Avon”.

            The town itself was well worth seeing and a slice out of a long ago time that we Yanks can’t even imagine… I reeked of culture and a history that was old before our shores were ever seen by Europeans.

            With all that culture and history, we naturally had dinner that evening at the local Pizza Hut. Of course, by this time, we had gotten use to restaurants being filled with people from all over Europe and any number of languages being spoken. We were shown to a room and our order was taken. While we ate, it dawned on me that I heard all kinds of accents and languages being spoken as we came through, but in this particular room there were only Americans and Canadians, according to my linguistic talents, which are quite good. As we were paying the bill, I asked the cashier why there were only North Americans in our section. She stammered a bit and finally blurted out, “Because you eat Pizza with your hands.”

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High…and now… Blue Norther

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts