A Culture Long Past:

            When I was in grade school about from the 2^nd grade for the 3^rd time (a long story for another time) until the first half of the 7^th grade we lived in St. Louis. We had moved about quite a bit and there were many addresses that I never had time to memorize. It wasn’t an especially rough neighborhood; it was sort of a ragged edge between good and evil. When I was in about the 5^th grade the Gypsies began to move in along one of the main streets a few blocks away. They were both scary and fascinating for a 10-year-old kid. They came aboard old rattletrap stake trucks, pick-ups, and old converted busses; all painted with the gaudiest trim imaginable.

            Soon about a 6 block stretch of Easton Avenue was filled with Gypsy shops and stores on both sides of the street. Lord, what a sense of color they had. Everything was painted or decked in the brightest purples, pinks, yellows, fucias, magentas, and scarlets. I didn’t know the names of those colors back then but I loved them. I would ride my bike through that section and just be consumed with the colors. The kids never showed up in our school, but there were plenty of them. They ignored any overtures of friendship by just shaking their heads and saying, “Go.” There never seemed to be any trouble and you could see locals going in and out of their shops, even though everyone said they were thieves and worse. They openly flaunted the law by having live goats and chickens in their homes and shops, but the cops just ignored them.

            I never knew where they came from or where they went, but after about a year they were gone as quickly as they had come. Those were the last Gypsies I have seen, and I’m sorry I didn’t look a little closer. 

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And Yet Another True Story:

            Many years ago I went on a 700 mile road trip with Pottsy (a sometimes friend); our destination was Cleveland, OH. Pottsy had a girlfriend in school there with whom he wanted to break up, but didn’t think the mail or the phone was the proper way. We took my car because he didn’t have one so he paid the expenses. My tires were so thin you see the air, but we went anyway. The highpoint of the trip was hitting Indianapolis at rush hour. At that time there were no interstate highways or bypasses, so we went right through the middle of it. At one intersection a bank had a new electronic sign, which flashed the time and temperature – a very new thing in the early 60s, and we had never seen one. I was so mesmerized by the sign that on the second time it changed I took off across 6 lanes of traffic. There was about a 20 second white-knuckle experience filled with screeching breaks, blaring horns, swerving, yelling, and down home cussing (most of it mine), but we got through safely. Unflappable Pottsy just said, “Time, temperature, and go.”

When we got to Lake Eerie College we found that Pottsy’s soon to be ex-girlfriend was already his ex-girlfriend. She had just sent him a letter calling him a low life weasel rat and a scum sucking worm, she also said she never wanted to see him again and true to her word she wouldn’t, so we turned around and headed home. He drove through Indianapolis.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

And  available Now –  One Man Standing – Coming soon – Rubio

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

New Kind of Restaurant:

            We have a new cross-culture restaurant, which recently opened in town. It’s a Chinese Mexican place called Fernando’s Wok. It sounded pretty exciting – maybe too exciting. I tried their special Sweet and Sour Turbulent Chicken Casadia - to go. It was and I did!

Old Black Rotary Phones:

            About 15 years ago a young pizza delivery kid knocked on my door and said he had broken down and could I let him use the phone. “Sure, no problem.” I said and showed him the phone; it was an old black rotary He picked up the receiver and stared at the dial, then he made a couple of stabs at it, but didn’t make contact. He then said, “Mister, could you do it for me? I’ve never seen one of these before.” I went to Radio Shack the next morning and got updated.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

And  available Now –  One Man Standing – Coming soon – Rubio

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

I Can’t Seem to get it Right:

            After years of fussing about my inability to gain weight Avon finally started me on beer and ice cream supplement therapy, which I didn’t object to in the least. I leveled off and even started gaining a little, then last summer while cleaning the pool I was shirtless, and she commented that I had indeed started to gain. But while giving me an attaboy she got herself caught between saying tummy and belly and it came out tubby. So I had gone from being skeletal to tubby without ever going through thin, medium, or fleshy. It was like not passing GO and not collecting $200.

Truths:

Aging:     I’ve stored a lot of knowledge over the years, and the password to my database is safe, but I forgot where I put it.

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 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

And  available Now –  One Man Standing – Coming soon – Rubio

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Avon’s Spice Rack:

            Avon has a very nice spice rack. It is built into one of her cabinets. You open the door and there is an array of dozens of spices and herbs, then you swing out the rack and on the other side is another array of spices and herbs. At the back of the cabinet is another rack, so all in all you see a lot of jars and bottles. The problem is that I am a dyed in the wool creature of habit; if something isn’t where I expect it to be then I’m fuddled. I like a little cinnamon on my oatmeal and at 5:00 a.m. I’m in no mood for a search, so if it is in the right place and looks right I use it. If you’ve never had chili powder on oatmeal for breakfast – don’t!

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

And  available Now –  One Man Standing – Coming soon – Rubio

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

A Lesson Learned:

            When I first got involved with Golden Gloves, one of the older kids was giving me some pointers. He was demonstrating what he called the tap-tap-tap. We set up and got ready to spar. He moved his head left, he moved his head right, and bounced three little  left jabs off my chin… tap-tap-tap. But then he followed up with a right to my nose… I didn’t fall for that one again.

What is a Cob?

            I have always heard the terms corncob and cobwebs. I have never been able to put the 2 together. Mr. Webster tells us that a cob is a lump and a web is a net made of very thin thread by a poisonous spider. One of the nicest people I have ever known was born a Cobb; I can say for certain that she is neither a lump nor a spider. I believe she could give you a lump or two if you got on her wrong side, but I doubt that you would die if she bit you.     

Truths:

Attitude: We all start with the same basic positive outlook, but then some of us start watching the evening news.      

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And  available Now –  One Man Standing --   Coming soon... Rubio

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Cultural point of view:

            I met an Indian artisan, of the Shoshone Nation, and we talked for a good long time about all kinds of stuff. The Shoshone share a reservation with the Cheyenne, and there is a bit of friction between them. The Cheyenne claimed that the Shoshone bloodlines were too diluted to be real Indians. The Shoshone say that the Cheyenne aren’t diluted is because Cheyenne women are so ugly that even a white man wouldn’t have one. I took it as a dis to Cheyenne women and about the white man’s taste in women. I later saw some of his work in a gallery and with that kind of skill and talent; he can dis whomever he wants.

A Little Common Sense:

In an earlier post I gave New Orleans hell for being built where it shouldn’t be, but we humans have been trying to put ourselves into places where God and nature say “Thou shouldn’t go.” I truly feel for the people who have been flooded throughout the Midwest in recent years. But as with New Orleans it comes down to a 3 words that tell the whole story….”Below Sea Level!” In the case of the major rivers overrunning their banks and brushing aside levees those words are “Flood Plain”. Now just what part of flood plain makes the least amount of sense to those people? Mother Nature has used that land as overflow for millions of years, and she’ll still use it whenever she damned well feels like it.

That naturally brings us to earthquakes. This is directed to my much-loved sister in California; do the 2 simple words “Fault Line” mean anything to you?

Coming Soon

to an e reader near you.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

And  available Now –  One Man Standing

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

And yet Another True Story

            Many years ago a good friend from long ago and I took a road trip. He is still a good friend and a subscriber to this blog known to all as LP, but I’ll call him Bob for short. We took off for Centralia, Illinois in my lime green 49 Ford coupe on a summer evening. There was a big party going on, Centralia was only 50 miles away, and a lot of the guys and girls we knew were going. To make a long story short, the party was in a honky-tonk dive and a real bust. We met up with a couple of girls (whose names I have contemptuously forgotten) who were looking for a ride back to town – done deal. Somewhere along the Oakaw River bottoms we ran out of gas – how convenient can it get? But we really were out of gas.

            Since poor old Bob was driving at the time he had to go for gas (road trip rule #77) while I stayed to protect the girls – he-he-he. After watching Bob disappear into the darkness the girls told me they were scared and that I should get a tire tool or something out of the trunk – which I did. When I opened the trunk they locked the doors; it dawned on me what they were scared of. No amount of begging, whining, or promising could get those doors opened. I told them that it was cold (80 degrees) and that I would freeze to death; one of them said something about a fate worse than death.

Meanwhile Bob was having some problems of his own; a couple picked him up and when he piled into the back seat he found it full of guns. The man turned around and said, “Don’t worry about those they’re not loaded… but this one is.” And he stuck a cannon under Bob’s nose. I’ll wager that my friend was real close to having an accident about then. It seems that there had been some break-ins in some of the fishing cabins in the area and these folks were cleaning theirs out. They took Bob to a station, got the owner to open up, and brought him back safe and sound. He received a hero’s welcome from the girls and I was allowed back into my own car. I have lived happily ever after, I’m pretty sure Bob has as well, and I really don’t give a rip about the happiness or everafterness of those two heartless and selfish girls.

Coming Soon!!!

Most of my readers know Rubio as the Navajo sheep herder, tracker, and former scalp hunter, but now comes the story of how he became what he became. I'm looking for a mid-February release.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

And  available Now –  One Man Standing

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Multi Tasking:

            Looking out the window this morning, I noted that the folks across the road have yet to take down their Christmas tree. That didn’t startle me because last year they used it as a Valentine tree and the year before that it was an Easter tree. They may be going for a May Day tree this year. The tree isn’t the only holiday leftover they still have up. There is a 3 foot lighted plastic Santa and a reindeer still in the yard, along with three other reindeer lying on the frozen grass. I can only assume that the downed reindeer were shot by passing poachers, which in this part of the country is anyone with a rifle, spotlight, and a pickup.

            I had thought about going over and asking John if he needed some help getting his reindeer put away, but on second thought, I’m going to wait. I have a feeling that Santa will be standing there with a Roman candle and some bottle rockets come July.

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 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

And  available Now –  One Man Standing

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Technical stuff:

            The other day a fella, known to me as Chicken Thief, (I’m not sure if that’s his name or occupation) asked me a highly technical question. He said, “If you use a microwave to boil water can you turn the plug upside down and freeze water?” I’m sorry, but that’s the kind of people I attract. Would someone please research this one for me?

Be specific:

            We got dressed up and went out to dinner last week to a local landmark, which would soon be torn down by FEMA because it is prone to flooding. I thought I would give the waiter a little challenge and ordered Chateau Brione for two. I told him to make it half medium rare and half medium well. When it came and I cut into it the middle was rare. I told him that it wasn’t right, and he said, “Sir, the medium well half is the outer part and the medium rare half is the inner part.” He earned his tip.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

And  available Now –  One Man Standing

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

How do you spell stupid? W-A-S-P:

            I was hammering something on the workbench when a wasp simply strolled across the bench in front of me. Did he think I had forgotten all the sharp pains and swollen flesh I had endured from those evil insects? Did he think that hammer in my hand could only be used to drive nails? If that’s what he thought then he was stupid.

In the realm of one’s knowledge:

            I once worked with a woman who had been raised by a widowed mother, had never married, and didn’t really like men all that much. One morning as I was going over some business matter with her, she kept looking up at me and finally said, “You’ve got toothpaste on your earlobe.” My first thought was, “Did I brush my ear instead of my teeth?” It was possible. I reached up and tugged at my ear, looked at my fingers. A trace of dried foam showed up – shaving cream. I guess she simply had no knowledge or experience with our daily ritual of sacrificing our whiskers to the grooming gods.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

And  available Now –  One Man Standing

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Business travels:

            There was a time in my life when I would have to go to places like Houston, New Orleans, and Memphis on business. I loved going because big city folks are a hoot. Once in New Orleans, I was strolling down Bourbon Street and approached a woman who Dustin Hoffman as The Rain Man would have described as “sparkly”. As I passed she said, “You got the time?” and I said, “Sure, it’s 7:45.” She gave me a look of disgust as if I was some dumb hillbilly. I thought, “Well, I may be a dumb hillbilly, but at least I know what time it is.”

            Another time in Memphis, one of my cohorts and I were going to breakfast and past two men feverishly searching their pockets in front of an office door. One was older and one was younger. Both men wore nice three-piece suits and carried brief cases. They were very stylish and looked the executive type. They were obviously locked out and looking for their keys. The older man had his brief case open, and he was telling the younger one to check his as well. When he reluctantly did so, it was absolutely empty except for what looked like a cheese sandwich, but he sure looked good carrying it.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

And  available Now –  One Man Standing

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Dated Goods:

            The next time you pick a bottle of water (if you are one of the 200 million in the US who drink it) check to see if it has a “Use by” date. I’ll bet it does. I saw that the other day and said to myself, “Hey, Lou, check this out.” Does water get old? Will it go stale in a sealed container? I know it will get dirty and have to be washed – we discussed that before. But if it’s not contaminated it should be good for thousands of years. Wait a minute, I didn’t notice what the “Use by” date was. If it was after January 14, 3015 then the whole question would be just a waste of time… uh yeah.

Trapped myself again:

            I opened the refrigerator and saw some frozen shrimp thawing. Thinking I would have some fun with the better half, I asked. “What are you planning to do with that dead crustation in the fridge?” fully expecting some sort of Gracie Allen answer and a little panic. She didn’t bat an eye or even look up she just said, “Stir fry.” Who told her what a crustation was? I just learned it myself a week ago.

Uncle Ed and Aunt Edna seem to be down with the flu... so we may not see them for a bit.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

And  available Now –  One Man Standing

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Have You Ever…?

1.   Been frustrated trying to get ALL the peanut butter out of the jar… even that little bit that hides in the curves at top and bottom?

2.   Walked past a mirror and said “Well hello, Handsome” or “Hello, Beautiful” as gender might dictate?

3.   Wondered what idiot decided that Howard Kossel and Dick Vital were what the American sports fan wanted to hear?

4.   Been driving along chatting with the passenger, while casually looking for your exit and then seeing a sign that said, “Welcome to Arkansas”?

5.   Stood before the fire in the fireplace until the back of your jeans get nice and toasty, and then quickly sat down?

6.   Checked into a motel 500 miles from home, and start wondering if you turned off the coffee pot?

Yeah… Me too.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

And  available Now –  One Man Standing

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Christmas Wish:

            Back in December, Avon asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I told her I wanted a new Nissan 380Z. When she finished choking, she said something about coming down to earth, that hell hadn’t frozen over yet, and that I should go to the mall and ask Santa for it. I said that I would, and she asked, “Would you really sit on his lap and ask him?” I told her, “His lap, the Easter Bunny’s lap; I’d even sit on the Energizer Bunny’s lap if it would put me in that car.” I got a golf bag and socks. Since it snowed on Christmas and I couldn’t play golf, so I spent the day playing with my socks.

Internet scams:

            Do you ever get those emails that claim to be from a lawyer in Indonesia saying that your Great Uncle Clarence has just died and left you 12 million dollars? All you need to do is verify that you are who you say you are to collect, which means giving all sort of personal information including your Social Security number. Just how stupid do they think we are? Great Uncle Clarence still owed me $82. If it was Great Uncle Arthur, I’d be all over it.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

And  available Now –  One Man Standing

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Ridin’ along singin’ a song:

            The other day I was driving down the highway with an Everly Brothers CD on just having a fine time. I caught myself singing along in harmony. Now that’s not a bad thing as long as there are no other cars nearby. The bad part came when I couldn’t remember if I was singing Don’s part or Phil’s part. On reflection, I realized that I never did know which was which. They were both tall, thin nice looking boys with big hair. So, I just went on down the road, Waking Up Little Suzie in the right lane with my left turn signal on.

No room:

            If the rest of the world knew what a genuinely happy person I am they would all want to be me. Unfortunately, there isn’t enough room for 7 billion people in my skin. Actually, I'm afraid those 7 billion folks knew I was a happy person they'd try to change my status.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

And  available Now –  One Man Standing

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

  

Focus on what you’re doing:

            I went into the bathroom, the light was on, I turned it off, and then I stood there wondering why I couldn’t see anything. Do you have any idea how weird it is taking a shower in the dark?

A real sweetheart:

            I was in a long line at the post office trying to get an oversized card mailed when a little bitty great grandma came in behind me. She asked how the line was moving, wondering if she should move to the other line. I told her that if she was in line behind me, then she would definitely be in the wrong line. About that time a friend came up and bopped me on the head with a handful of mail. I turned around to kibitz with him for a few seconds, and when I turned back she was in front of me. She said, “Now this line should move right along.” She had her fun and was going to move back, but I made her stay in front of me and we went right on through...... Yeah, stuff like that happens to me all the time.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

And  available Now –  One Man Standing

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Mean woman blues:

            A few weeks ago, the lovely Avon and I were both leaving about the same time; she was going one way and I was going another. I generally walk out with her as she leaves just to make sure she gets pointed in the right direction. On that particular occasion I watched her reach up to her visor, but she wasn’t pulling it down she was pressing the garage door button. I heard the door start down and made a mad dash to break the beam and stop it – it was the only way back into the house. When I looked up she was laughing her head off as she pulled down the driveway. That woman has a well-camouflaged streak of naughty.

Critical Review:

            One of the gang of outlaws that I regularly play golf with has just become a subscriber to this blog. He informed me that I am much funnier in print than I am in person. Well, I should think so. I need to be taken in small doses, and after 4 hours on a golf course he would surely be OD’d on me.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

And  available Now –  One Man Standing

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

A dream unfulfilled:

            When I was a kid, I didn’t want to be a policeman, fireman, soldier, sailor, doctor, lawyer, or Indian chief. The only thing I ever wanted to be was a cowboy. I would sit on a fence rail for hours and lasso anything I could throw a rope at. I would sing like Roy Rogers and walk like Hopalong Cassidy. As I grew older, I found my friends not taking my dream very seriously – I wasn’t discouraged. But when I started college, I found that they didn’t have one single Cowboy class, so I went to a bigger college and found the same thing. When I got married and told Avon my dream, she was sure she had married a lunatic or a first rate comedian. She told me that cowboys only made about $30 a month, and that we would have to live in a bunkhouse in Wyoming. That sounded fair, but she put her foot down, and I had to give up my dream. Many years later I still walk like Hopalong Cassidy, but I only sing like Roy Rogers in the shower.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

And  available Now –  One Man Standing

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Some things are hard to imagine:

            Yesterday, I was surfing the net, looking for a senior activity that I could ignore. Much of it was the same old same old, until I ran across one that kinda messed up my mind. It was titled, “Senior Prostitution Ring”. It seems that this is a wide spread new activity from coast to coast. It plays out mostly in upscale retirement centers.

            I got images stuck in my mind that may never leave. I could invasion hot octogenarians strutting their stuff in fishnet stockings and miniskirts, while wizened johns were cruising the hallways with their walkers. Fortunately, there were no pictures. I understand there are some pretty lucrative black market Viagra deals going down. That’s what got the attention of the authorities. There were none of these operations in Missouri… not that I was interested, but I like to know what’s going on.

            The one thing that still baffles me, is don’t those walkers, canes, and oxygen bottles kinda get in the way? 

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

And  available Now –  One Man Standing

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com