That’s cold:

            As my golf group was getting ready to tee off last week, the group ahead of us was moving out. When they were about 20 yards away, one of them called back, “Don’t hit into us.”  I yelled for them to just keep out of our way. At about 25 yards the fella yelled back, “Go ahead and hit… we’re safe now.” I didn’t have a thing to say.

Crayfish, Crawfish, or Crawdads:

            For years I wondered what the difference was in those three entities. Finally, I couldn’t stand the sleepless nights and days spent with that question hanging over my head, so I looked it up. It seems that they are the same thing with different names for different parts of the world. I’d always loved them for the way they could send a little sister screaming, but I understand that some folks actually eat them. In Louisiana they may call them delicious, but in Missouri we call them bait.

Note: I may have to be off line until some time next week. 

It seems I've caught a virus and I might have to go computer shopping. 

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – Rubio   And now….Cain…just Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw

A job in the hood:

            The summer I got out of high school, I took a job in a St. Louis factory. It was a deciding factor in what I didn’t want to do with the rest of my life. I worked from 4 pm until about 1 am, which is okay for an 18 year old kid. As it turned out the factory, which made BBQ grills was located close to my old neighborhood and employed several of the kids I went to grade school with. I have mentioned before that I drove a 1949 Ford Roman Candle during those years.

I came out of the plant one morning to find myself with a flat tire and no spare. I was getting ready to break the tire down and patch it when one of my old grade school chums said, “Hang on, we’ll get you fixed up.” and off they went. Within a half hour, he and his 2 buddies came down the alley rolling 4 relatively new white walled tires. We switched the tires, and as I was driving them home, we passed a used car lot with a 1949 Ford Roman Candle sitting up on blocks. The homeboys chuckled, and I tried not to look at it. If I hadn’t lost that job, I could have had a completely restored car by November, or I could’ve been doing 3 to 5 in Jefferson City.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – Rubio   And now….Cain…just Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw

Circulating emails:

            There are a number of serial emails being passed around the world. Most notable of these would our friend, Maxine and Wal-Mart People. There is one that has a recurring tag line of “They Walk Among Us”. You’ve surely seen them; they describe terminally air-headed people doing really dumb stuff. Friends, let me remind you that I also walk among us.  

Backup Material:

            To further emphasize the above statement, I’ll share this testimony from a secret communication with a habitant from the planet Outta, which is about a billion light years south of Neptune.

Me:

Do your people follow a religion?

Outtain correspondent:

Although, we believe in Heaven, we do not believe in hell. We think that when your switch is permanently turned off and you haven’t been a stellar Outtian your soul isn’t condemned to fire. Instead it is sent to forever roam the Weird People Isles at Wal-Mart. *

*Editor's Note. It should be noted that I did not contact the Outtian beings.... they sought me out.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – Rubio   And now….Cain…just Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw

The beard:

            When I grew my beard and mustaches (a man has 2 mustaches – a left one and a right one) without consulting my lovely wife. She has been very tolerant and patient about the whole affair. However, I do catch her looking at it from time to time and she has asked how long I plan to sport it. The other day she caught me off guard with, “Tell me again, why you grew it.” I couldn’t give her the bit about wanting to look smarter because she didn’t buy that the first time. So, being the quick thinker that I am I said, “When it gets just right, I’m going to paint a picture using my chin whiskers as a brush. I may create a whole cult of beard painters.” I knew when I said it that it was one of the most ridiculous things I had ever told her. I think the outrageousness had its effect because she let it slide. Actually, I think she was afraid I was losing my mind and didn’t want to push me over the edge. 

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – Rubio   And now….Cain…just Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw

The quick red fox jumped over …

            I took typing in high school. I wasn’t a forward thinking youngster or anything like that. It wasn’t because I knew we would all be sitting at PCs and using standard typewriter keyboards. No, it was because that’s where all the girls were. To my way of thinking, I could schmooze my way into a few dates, and at worst case scenario I’d be able to pick up some clues as to what goes on in those cute curly heads. The girls soon accepted the fact that I was there and went about their business – I was accepted as one of the girls. They began to talk freely – maybe a little too freely. There was information bouncing around in my scull that I had no business knowing and no desire knowing, and most of it I still don’t understand. The only thing I got out of that class was some decent typing skills.

New Disclaimer: It should be noted that this blog is completely green and 100% recyclable. When you people fill up all the landfills – don’t go blaming me.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – Rubio   And now….Cain…just Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw

I couldn't believe what I just heard:

            I had been working all morning on prepping the new bathroom floor for the tile. I was tired, my back hurt, my knees hurt, and the rest of me hurt as well. Avon came in to see how I was doing or to make sure I was doing it right. She stood there for a few minutes and said, “When you get ready for a rest, we can…” My mind raced ahead, and I was sure her next words would be – eat lunch. However, the words that I actually heard were “move furniture.” I didn’t know that a person using the English language could put rest and move furniture  in the same sentence and have it make sense.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – Rubio   And now….Cain…just Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw

 A Native American Legend:

            Once on a trip out west, I was able to shake loose from Avon and just spend some time doing what I like to do – people watch. So I sat on a bench and watched a little cowboy town mosey by. I was soon joined by a wizened old Indian. He was just looking for anybody to talk to and I was it. He started by telling me the story of his great grandfather, Short Bird Walking (SBW). According to my companion SBW was about 4ft. 10 inches tall and couldn’t catch wild horses, so he generally walked everywhere.

            The chief had put his daughter up as prize for a special contest. The brave who could cross the desert and bring back a rock from the top of the shining mountain would win her hand. The problem was that there was no water on the trip either going or coming and none at the shining mountain, so the braves had to take enough water for an eighty mile trip for both the brave and his horse. So on his second day out SBW started to see horses dragging the tails back to the village followed by braves dragging their tails. One step at a time the little fella kept going-going-going. A week later he walked into the village, handed the chief the special stone, and waited to claim his prize. The chief asked him, “How was a little runt like you able to do this thing when all of our finest warriors couldn’t?” Short Bird Walking replied, “Because I’m the little Injun that could.”

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – Rubio   And now….Cain…just Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw

Hooked on Band-Aids: 

            Like a lot of people my age I take an 81mg aspirin every day to keep from catching a heart attack. So far it’s working. The problem is that aspirin thins the blood, which causes a person to bleed freely. That’s not a problem for people who don’t poke a lot of holes in themselves, but I’m not one of those. Either I’m much more active than the average person, or I don’t pay any attention to what I’m doing because I get to use at least one Band-Aid every day – usually more. The CSI sleuths wouldn’t have any problem getting samples of my DNA. 

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – Rubio   And now….Cain…just Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw

Speaking of Viagra:

            While watching a Viagra commercial I noted that the speaker said, “Ask your doctor if you’re healthy enough for …uh…that activity. If my doctor told me I wasn’t healthy enough I’d start looking for a new doctor – someone like Dr. Kevorkian.

Gloomy weather:

            I believe that extended periods of rainy crappy weather can have serious consequences on a person’s attitude. I don’t know if there is scientific proof of it, but it sure seems to be a fact. I know a woman (certainly not my woman) who is surly, cranky, and downright mean after a few days of the glooms. Actually, that particular woman was surly, cranky, and downright mean when the sun was shining. This hypothesis seems to be flawed – let me get back to you after a little more research. 

Read more books... I have a government to support.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – Rubio   And now….Cain…just Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw

Gardening 101

            We don’t do much in the way of gardening, so when Avon decided to plant some tomatoes it immediately became a big deal. Of course I was less than enthusiastic about the planting; I was only interested in the eating. As she showed me how well she had done I noticed that some of them looked a little droopy, so I suggested that she put some Vigaro on them, but what I said was, “Maybe you should give them some Viagra.” “Viagra?” she said. Ever fast on my feet, I told her, “Yeah, that way you won’t have to prop them up.”

Just a reminder o what's New

That's what's New.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – Rubio   And now….Cain…just Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw

From the editor:

            This is a Mother’s Day thought for all the mothers I know and some I don’t know. Motherhood is a wonderful thing I’m sure, and it can have many rewards. But on reflection of the process of becoming a mother all I can say is – man that’s gotta hurt! My hat goes off to all who have endured it, and I’m sure glad I didn’t have to.

Don’t you just hate it when:

1) You’re doing a “Some Assembly Required” project, and you have pieces left over – and they look important?

2) You’re walking through the kitchen in the dark, barefooted, and you step on something that crunches – and you pray that you just killed a corn flake.

 3) Your last French fry falls on the floor, and you’re tempted to pick it up and eat it, but everyone in McDonalds is watching you. 

I'm happy to announce that my latest effort,  "Cain... just Cain", went live on Amazon Kindle yesterday afternoon, and is available for almost all reading devices.

Cain has been described as Dirty Harry of the Old West. I think that might sum him up pretty close. Those who cross him once had best enjoy the moment because they'll not do it again.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – Rubio   And now….Cain…just Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw

Innovation:

            We had some excitement in town last week. Both cops were looking for a pair of city looking fellas who were confronting women on the street and running battery powered devices over their bosoms. Needless to say, the ladies were all pretty upset. They described the experience as “Not unpleasant” but were still offended by the assaults. When the two officers, Barney and Chester, caught up with the miscreants, they learned the whole story.

            It seems that those men were engineers from a large manufacturer, which is best known for electric drills and kitchen gadgets. They were in Ozark testing a new product that they hope to be on the market by Christmas. The new Black and Decker….Bust Duster.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – And  available Now – Rubio

Coming Soon….Cain…just Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw

Technology update:

            I just installed a new feature on my computer. It’s called “SmellCheck”, and it’s amazing. It doesn’t correct or guard against anything. What it does is alert me whenever I write a stinker. A little skunk icon appears in the offending section. Unfortunately, it popped up so often that the skunk died from exhaustion.

My lovely wife:

            To those of you who don’t know my wife Avon, dear girl that she is, and may have wondered about her unusual name. There’s a story about the name, but she won’t tell me.  I always figured her folks had ordered it out of a catalog. If you spell Avon backwards, it is Nova, if you twist it to the left it’s Ovan, and if you twist it to the right it’s Vano. But if you spell it upside down, it is unpronounceable.

Coming Real Soon!

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – And  available Now – Rubio

Coming Soon….Cain…just Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw

Disaster Averted… maybe:

            There was a time this past winter when I wasn’t sure this blogger was going to ever write another post. I was blindsided by a sneaky virus. It wasn’t one of the computer variety but the people type. I don’t know if it was swine, chicken, dog, or duck flu. I would opt for calling it the donkey flu because it had a kick like a mule. All those hours at the gym turned against me. I had put on some solid flesh (note I didn’t say muscle), which meant more compacted meat to turn into pain. Everything hurt, even my hair hurt. For three days I thought I had a hangover and was still tipsy, that was when the mule really kicked in. All signs tell me I survived it, but I’m still not sure. 

I'm hoping to have this out in about 10 days. This will be #2 of the Shad Cain series.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – And  available Now – Rubio

Coming Soon….Cain…just Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw

He started it:

            I like to take my kayak down to the Riverside Park because there’s generally enough people around that at least one of them knows to call 911 in case of mishap. Yesterday I was there with my little boat in tow and ready for a workout. When I got there, I found a group of older men gathered around a young fella standing on a picnic table.

            He looked like a mishap waiting to happen in his $30 dollar suit that was at least 3 sizes too large for him. I suppose he figured to grow into it. There he stood spouting things that left me completely confused, but there was a bunch of other old geezers listening with rapped attention. Being a geezer myself, I know that old men will stand and listen to almost anything whether they understand it or not. That’s just something we do. So I asked geezer next to me what it was all about and he told me, “Entomology”. The guy next to him said, “What?” A couple others chimed in with what they were getting from it, and no 2 opinions were the same.

            Soon, we were getting more attention than the fella on the picnic table. So he singled me out, and yelled over the babble, “What is your PROBLEM, Mister?” I yelled back, “Buttons! They’re making them bigger and button holes smaller!” … Another one called out, “Gas!” …. And still another yelled, “Sagging libido!” Soon the whole crowd was engaged and problems were coming from all directions. He just sort of shriveled down into that suit and disappeared. It was just as well, since we had our own discussions going on.

            I told my co-conspirator next to me, “My work here is done.” as I started dragging my kayak off toward the Finley River and a good soaking.      

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – And  available Now – Rubio

Coming Soon….Cain…just Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw

Keep smiling:

            They talk about people who were born to be wild, or someone who was born to sing and dance. Well, I must have been born to smile. I can’t think of a thing I do that comes quicker or easier. Of course, a smile has its costs. I estimate that I helped my dentist pay for at least two bass boats and a Mercedes so that my smile could be tolerated by the general public.

Youthful good looks:

            Everyone wants to keep that look they had in their teens and twenties. Well, what if I told you that there was a way to maintain youth and beauty? ….. Get serious, you’ve all seen this mug – I’ve got a more detailed road map face than Willie Nelson. Do you think I’d look like this if I had the secret of youthful good looks?

Speaking of Willie Nelson:

            Is the rumor true that Willie was Ozzie and Herriet’s third son?   

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – And  available Now – Rubio

Coming Soon….Cain…just Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw