Things You Just Can’t Do:

You can’t cook with Pepper Spray

You can’t get milk from The Cowsills

You can’t ring a barbell

You can’t put your Pop in a pop bottle

You can’t go dancing to a rubber band

You can’t hit a golf ball with a book club

You can’t boil potatoes in a Peter Pan

You can’t tell time with a neighborhood watch

You can’t go sledding on a slide rule

You can’t keep your money in a river bank

You can’t roller skate in a buffalo herd,

But you can be happy if you've a mind to….Roger Miller

Look Around Before You Open Your Mouth:

A few years before I retired, I found the job becoming a bit tiresome and sometimes overwhelming, so I stepped down to let a younger person deal with it. One day I was talking with a new man, and he asked what the boss was like. I was about to say that he was doing a good job and was fair minded, when one of the older guys came in and said, “We don’t know yet, but he’s a lot better than that horse’s ass we used to have.”

“What was he like?” the new man asked. “Well...” I said, “He was a lot like me.” That’s when realization showed up on the older guy’s face…. I’d have paid a hundred bucks for a picture of that look.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – and soon to come Ace High

Luck’s Got Nothing To Do With It:

            We were getting ready to tee off, and one of my playing partners was giving me the business about my hat. It was a Panama Jack canvas fedora. I thought it made me look rather dashing. I told him that it was my lucky hat. He meant to say that if he had a lucky hat he’d wear it all the time, but what my 84 year old friend said was, “Well, if I had that hat… I’d wear it to bed.” Of course, everyone had a good laugh. “Larry,” I said, “this is a Lucky Hat not a Magic Hat.” Game over.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – and soon to come Ace High

Have a look at my Artist - Author page on Facebook

Lou Bradshaw Artist - Author

or

www.Facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Live on the Edge:

My wife came into the kitchen, where I was pouring myself a cup of coffee and asked, “Is that regular or decaff?” I told her that I didn’t remember making any decaff, but of course, I didn’t remember if it was Saturday or Tuesday. So I said, “If you think it’s decaff then go ahead and have a cup. If it keeps you awake, then you thought wrong.”

Some people have no sense of adventure.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue –

 and soon to come Ace High

It Just Don’t Smell Right:

Does anybody know where I might be able to find 50 caliber machinegun ammunition? It seems that a skunk has decided to make his or her den under my storage shed. I’ve tried every possible humane solution… and some which were not so much, but so far Peppi la Pew hasn’t moved out. Every time I go to the shed he reminds me that he’s still there, and there’s nothing I can do about it.  I figure that if I can shred his habitat with some well placed military grade ammo, he might move out. Otherwise, I’ll probably have to try and outlive him. Actually, everything I have out there shouldn’t be bothered by his presence… what does a John Deere care? Although, my wife has some boxes out there that she may never care to open again.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – and soon to come Ace High

Medical Update:

Back in December, I had to visit my primary care doctor for my annual checkup. First, let me tell you about my doctor, Dr. Feelgood. She’s a cute little red headed button with a good sense of humor. She gave me the usual going over and asked all the pertinent questions, and then she gave me a good natured scolding because I rarely have to see her between physicals saying, “I think if it wasn’t for your annual checkup, you’d never come to see me.” I replied, “If you weren't so darned good looking, I wouldn't come at all.” She took a big dose of her own, “Laughter is the Best Medicine” prescription.  

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – and soon to come Ace High

I’m surprised that she still speaks to me:

            Back when we were young, on a family outing to the river, my brother and I decided to teach our sister to swim. We patiently towed her out to a large rock in the middle of the river and made her quite comfortable while she waited for the lesson to begin. We just pushed off from that rock and kept on going back to shore. She put up a terrible ruckus, but we kept on going. Our pop was giving us an earful on one side and she was giving us an earful on the other side, so we did the only thing we could, and that was to take to the woods as fast as we could.

            Dad finally had to go out and get her before someone called the Coast Guard, even though she could have easily waded back. He tried to be mad, but he wasn’t any good at it. She has scolded me for that adventure many times, and I still haven’t apologized.  

            In retrospect, we actually got the worst of that deal… those woods were full of Poison Ivy. 

What I do when I’m not blogging or working on a book;

Montana Morning: 24 X 28 acrylic on board. 2013 

I paint, draw, and even do a little teaching, but mostly I just like my nonsense. 

10 things your boss won’t take kindly to:

1.       Addressing her as Sir.

2.       Getting caught looking down her blouse…..If you should get caught, smile. It could be the difference between getting fired and getting a raise.

3.       Posting your resume on Facebook. Posting your resume on the company web site also tends to piss ‘em off.

4.       Hitting on his wife at an office party may not get you fired, but it could cause him to question your judgment and your taste in women.

5.       Hitting on his daughter will get you fired.

6.       Referring to him by such nicknames as Baldy, Fatso, Dumbass, and Bozo may cause some office friction.

7.       Taking funeral leave for the same relative more than 3 times.

8.       Keeping a cheeseburger and Easter eggs in your desk drawer for more than 5 weeks.

9.       Calling in sick with the Flu on a Monday from Spain.

10.   Infecting the office computer network with a virus from a porn site.

I ran across several file folders of old cartoons from the days when I was active as a cartoonist (circa 1970s). These have, for whatever reason, never been published, and quite possibly never even been submitted. If you like them, I’ll keep them coming … as long as they last.

Your comments are always welcome and encouraged.

Books by Lou Bradshaw on Amazon Kindle: A Fine Kettle of Fish - Hickory Jack – Blue

Please visit www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

 

Things that make me smile:

There are some things that make me smile without even thinking about it, and I seem to have no control over the corners of my mouth. Here are a few of them.

1        Seeing that guy who just cut me off in traffic, sitting beside the road trying to explain his speed and general lack of regard for traffic conditions to a big ugly cop.

2        A golf ball that travels low and straight off the tee then starts to climb about a hundred yards out, but not too high. The only thing that could make that sight better would be if it were my golf ball. 

3        The smell of baking pies. Apple with lots of cinnamon, tart cherry, or almost any other kind I don’t care - you bake em and I’ll smell em, and then I’ll eat em.

4        Saucy young blondes, brunettes, or redheads; whether they be blade thin or chunky stout doesn’t matter. What matters is how they carry themselves. They are the ones who know that they look their best, but have no idea how good they really look – I hope they never find out. Walk slower, sweet things.

5        Little girls in pink dresses cut just above bony Scooby Doo bandaged knees without the faintest hint of the women they will be… and Little boys with dirty sweat streaked faces smelling like wet collies.

6        The sound of someone snoring in church, and the happy realization that it’s not me.

I ran across several file folders of old cartoons from the days when I was active as a cartoonist (circa 1970s). These have, for whatever reason, never been published, and quite possibly never even been submitted. If you like them, I’ll keep them coming … as long as they last.

Your comments are always welcome and encouraged.

Books by Lou Bradshaw on Amazon Kindle: A Fine Kettle of Fish - Hickory Jack – Blue

Please visit www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

What’s the reason:

I have been asked by many, why I ever decided to start a Blog. After giving that question a good deal of thought, I realized that it was because I’d already worn out many newspaper and magazine editors with my letters and found that to be an exercise in futility. Since I don’t read their publications, I had no way of knowing if they printed my letters or not. I did however get some responses like, “That was the stupidest thing I ever read.” and, “Are you out of your freaking mind?” I suspect those were print media ways of saying NO. So with that in mind you may want to bail out now, before your mind becomes too bombarded with nonsense. As my wife, the lovely Avon often tells me, “A little nonsense goes a long way!”

I ran across several file folders of old cartoons from the days when I was active as a cartoonist (circa 1970s). These have, for whatever reason, never been published, and quite possibly never even been submitted. If you like them, I’ll keep them coming … as long as they last.

Your comments are always welcome and encouraged.

Books by Lou Bradshaw on Amazon Kindle: A Fine Kettle of Fish - Hickory Jack – Blue

Please visit www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Mysteries of Life:

In an earlier post, I mentioned that I hated laundry week when I was single. Once after laundry week, while I was stuffing clothes into a drawer I ran across a pair of red lace scanties. I knew they weren’t mine, and I had an idea that they hadn’t been left in my laundry by accident… in fact that was a certainty. After a great deal of brain wracking, I came up with 2 plausible explanations. Either they were left in the laundramat dryer, or I had a very lucky alter ego, of which I had no memories. The laundramat thing finally won out. The next laundry week, I put them back into the dryer to drive someone else crazy.

I ran across several file folders of old cartoons from the days when I was active as a cartoonist (circa 1970s). These have, for whatever reason, never been published, and quite possibly never even been submitted. If you like them, I’ll keep them coming … as long as they last.

Your comments are always welcome and encouraged.

Books by Lou Bradshaw on Amazon Kindle: A Fine Kettle of Fish - Hickory Jack – Blue

Please visit www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

We live in the Springfield, Missouri area, which proudly claims to be the home of such notables as Don Johnson, Brad Pit among along with any number of music celebs. It is also the home of one of my favorites…Cashew Chicken, which was invented, back in the 60s by Mr. Leong of Leong's Tea House. They're still in business and still owned by the same family.

A few years ago, we had what they called Springfield style cashew chicken in a small town along the Oregon coast. I didn't recognize it as cashew chicken and barely recognized it as Chinese. If anything, it was kinda like something out of a can of vegetable soup with a handful of nuts.   

 Back in the 80s I was in at a printer's going over some design and layout work, when the scion of the Leong family came in with his fiancé, to pick out wedding invitations. The shop owner, acting the big shot role decided to be magnanimous and give the young couple a healthy price break. After all the dealing was done, he asked where they were going on their honeymoon, thinking 3 days in Branson. The bride piped up and said New York, London, Paris, and Rome. Boy was owner’s wife steamed, as they watched the love birds drive off in their Mercedes.

I ran across several file folders of old cartoons from the days when I was active as a cartoonist (circa 1970s). These have, for whatever reason, never been published, and quite possibly never even been submitted. If you like them, I’ll keep them coming … as long as they last.

Your comments are always welcome and encouraged.

Books by Lou Bradshaw on Amazon Kindle: A Fine Kettle of Fish - Hickory Jack – Blue

Please visit www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

People Watching 101:

            We were coming home on one of the county roads last summer, when we came upon one of the things that make life so much fun in the warmer months. A road crew had traffic stopped. We were in the first vehicle stopped, so to pass the time, I started watching the flagman for entertainment. He was a portly fella, not much taller than me, which isn't very tall, but he had a girth that would out measure his height. He was leaning against the side of his truck with his stop sign held between his legs. That gave him full use of both arms and hands, which he used, alternating left and right, to reach into the truck bed and pull out snacks. While waiting for the pilot car to come along and lead us through the work zone, we watched him put away a bag of Lay’s, 2 Twinkies, a bowl of chili, a bucket of KFC, a sandwich or 2, and a case of Pepsi. I was almost sorry when it came our time to go. I wanted to stick around and watch that boy explode.

Books by Lou Bradshaw on Amazon Kindle: A Fine Kettle of Fish - Hickory Jack – Blue

Please visit www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

How Dry I Am:

            A couple of years ago, it was really dry, so we thought, “Well, that means we’ll have a wet fall and winter.” That didn't happen, so we were planning on a really wet spring, and that didn't happen. Then last summer it was really really dry. Our rivers and streams were pretty thin and dusty. In fact they were so low that I had to rig my kayak with wheels to take it on the river. If that wasn't

bad enough, I had to take a jug of water along so I could pour it on myself whenever I tipped over.

Books by Lou Bradshaw on Kindle:...A Fine Kettle of Fish....Hickory Jack... Blue

Revenge:

            Over the weekend I sent a small order to Amazon and was just about to hit close, when the lovely Avon, my wife and sometimes keeper, said she wanted to write down the order number. So she took a note card and pen from my desk tray, and then she copied it down. When she had finished, and had me read it back to her, she put the note card in a little place where those thing go. But she laid the pen on the desk and walked away. I stopped her at the door holding the pen out to her saying, “When you’re finished with something… please put it away, so we’ll know where it is.”

She took the pen with a murderous glare and put it away. I know that saying something like that wasn't in my best interest…. But it sure felt good.

A little extra nonsense

 Books by Lou Bradshaw on Kindle... A Fine Kettle of Fish ... Hickory Jack.... Blue

Mark Twain:

            Without a doubt, my favorite writer EVER is Sam Clemons

, aka Mark Twain. Recently, I was called on to do an art demonstration at a local elementary school. After a little thought on the matter I decided to do a Mark Twain portrait. His face has a lot of character and is fairly easy to get a likeness. So to get into the Twain spirit, I picked up my copy of the works of the above named author and started reading. It’s always fun to revisit some of the things that I found true or made me laugh before. I found one that I’d like to share. It deals with his views on the subject of travel, from The Innocents Abroad.

            “The gentle reader will never never know what a consummate ass he can become, until he goes abroad. I speak now, of course, in the supposition that the gentle reader has not been abroad, and therefore is not already a consummate ass.”

            This passage held a double whammy. It not only made me laugh, but there was a whole lot of truth in it.

My all time favorite quote from Mark Twain:

“It’s easy to quit smoking… I've done it a thousand times.”

Books by Lou Bradshaw… Available on Amazon Kindle

A Fine Kettle of Fish   (Adventure Humor)

Hickory Jack   (Western)

Blue   (Western)

Ace High   (Western to be released soon)

Midnight Bob;

            For those who don’t know about Midnight Bob, he’s a big black Tomcat that has adopted me. I set out a little food for him and he keeps the rodents away. We have what you might call a tenuous relationship; I’m not crazy about him, and he doesn’t like me at all. Old Bob is one of the most standoffish creatures I’ve ever encountered. Any contact has to be on his terms. If he wants to rub against my ankles that’s fine, but if I went to pet him, which I certainly won’t, it could cost me a hand…. It’s like those dating years all over again, “You can feed me, but you can’t touch me.”

Books by Lou Bradshaw from Amazon Kindle are available on many devices

A Fine Kettle of Fish.... (Adventure Humor)

Hickory Jack.... (Western)

Blue.... (Western)

Coming soon .... Ace High.... (Western)

You can Call Me Moe, or You can Call Me Joe……

            As a man well seasoned by the years, I find some things connected with age somewhat offensive. I don’t particularly like labels, and what I call Geezer labels are especially offensive. You can call me just about anything, but don’t call me:

·        Spry: That’s a thick fatty substance that your mother used to fry chicken in and bake pies with.

·        A Senior Citizen: What the hell is that? Do they also have Freshman and Sophomore Citizens?

·        An older gentleman: That would only be half true.

·        Sir: If you were standing before me at attention and we were both in uniform, then you could call me sir, but I can guarantee that will never be the case.

·        Mr. Bradshaw: If you don’t know my first name then you’d better find someone to introduce us because I fully intend to use your first name…. if I can remember it.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available from Amazon Kindle for many devices

A Fine Kettle of Fish - Adventure Humor

Hickory Jack - Western

Blue - Western

It’s really cold here, folks. I was out in the garage this morning and my hands got so cold, I had to stick them in the beer fridge to warm them up.

 With it being so cold, I spend a lot of time looking out the windows. While watching out my window this morning, I saw my neighbor from across the road, come out with his dog. The neighbors, Napoleon and Josephine Biggs are large people. Neither is as tall as I am, which isn't tall, but they are LARGE. Napoleon came out with his little dog, on a leash, and immediately lost it in the snow. It’s a really little dog. Every time I see this ritual, it’s like watching the Michelin Man leading a rat on a string. I need to stay away from that window. 

Books on Amazon Kindle by Lou Bradshaw

A Fine Kettle of Fish

Hickory Jack

Blue

My wife, the lovely Avon, was complaining that the cable bill went up again. It seems to go up every January. I thought for a minute and then told her, “If we didn't have cable, I’d just be sitting here looking at you, and you’d be sitting there looking at me…and sooner or later, you’d be shooting at me…. We gotta have cable!”

Next we got a notice that the trash service is raising their price. After analyzing the cost of each service, I found that we pay at least 3 times as much for cable as we do for trash pick up…. That means it costs a lot more to bring garbage into the house than it does to take it out.

lou bradshaw

Your Daily Dose of Nonsense will begin January 6, 2014.

I will be posting on this spot 5 days a week starting January 6, 2014. It's all about fun and nonsense.