I don’t always share:

            I was getting ready to mow when I noticed some swimwear drying on the line. So rather than getting into trouble for getting them covered with clippings I took them down. While wrestling with clothespins a Japanese beetle fell into a pair of my trunks. You can bet I dropped the armload of towels and Avon’s things to get it out of there. Normally, I’m pretty much a live and let live sort or person, but I knocked that bug out of my trunks and stomped it into insensebillious convulsions. Bugs in my bushes is one thing, but bugs in my shorts is quite another.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

And now available –  Cain

Things that go together:

            According to an old Frank Sinatra song “Love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage”. Another pairing that goes together is blackberries and chiggers. We all know what blackberries are. They’re about the size of the end of your thumb, black, bumpy, juicy, and come in a carton for about $8 a quart. Mine don’t come in cartons they come on vines called canes. They don’t cost me anything, and they have the added benefit of coming with chiggers. All of my Midwestern and Southern friends are familiar with chiggers, but I’m afraid my northern and west coast friends may never have experienced them. A chigger is a tiny bug; actually it’s a mite, almost invisible with the naked eye and harmless. The chigger babies (larva) are the true villains. These creatures were not made in Heaven. Although microscopic in size, they must have a three inch proboscis which is filled with about twenty gallons of itch. When I say itch I really mean ITCH! It is inconceivable to me how anything so small can produce such an itch – but they do, and they live in blackberry patches. So the next time you pay $8.00 for a quart of blackberries, consider it money well spent.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

And now available –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

TV commercials:

            I noticed that Charmin has updated their commercials. The concept of cute blue and red bears doing their business in the woods is dumb, but I don’t miss Mr. Whipple at all.

Kids tell it like it is:

            When our son, Chris, turned 40, his friends threw a big party for him with lots of gag gifts. Among the gifts were some adult diapers, which of course were received with a good deal of laughter. Our grandson, Luke, was sitting with us; he was 7 or 8 at that time. He just gave a snort of disgust and said, “Now that’s just a waste of money. Dad’s not going to wear those diapers.”

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

And now available –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

From the editor:

            Have you ever taken a good honest look at yourself? You know what I mean; those long serious self evaluations where you weigh all of your plusses and minuses, and you find that your minuses are winning. You probe into the deepest cracks and crevasses of your conscience. You know all the things you’ve done wrong, the things you wish you hadn’t done, the things you’d like to forget, and you hope that no one else remembers. Have you? Well, I sure haven’t… Let sleeping dogs sleep is my motto.

A perpetual question:

            When our son Chris was little, he sang the Itsy Bitsy Spider song from morning till night. Only, he pronounced it Itchy Bitchy Spider. Now I can’t look at a spider without wondering if it is suffering from poison ivy and a bad attitude.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

And now available –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

 It’s That Time Of Year:

            Yesterday the wind was blowing and leaves were flying in all directions, so I decided it was a necessary trip to the roof for a good gutter cleaning. I needed to get some sticks and branches off the roof anyway. We have over 40 mature oak trees on the place, and most of them are bunched around the house. That number doesn’t even begin to cover the other trees like maple, hickory, ash, elm, and walnut… well you get the idea… we got leaves.

The whole time I was up there with a leaf blower making those gutters usable again for what they were intended. I noted that the lovely Avon was not out there supervising, which is her usual job when I’m doing some type of maintenance. So when the gutters were clean and the only leaves on the roof were those that had fallen since I had started for the ladder, I climbed down.

When I reached the deck, she was waiting for me, and I asked her why she hadn’t been supervising. She said, “I thought it best to be inside ready to call 911 than be out here trying to catch you when you fell.” If nothing else, the woman shows good logic.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

And now available –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Top 10 Kayaking Tips:

10. If the beer cooler takes up too much room – throw out the life jacket.

9.      When you go into rough water look for the V and go right to the center of it.  If that V looks like a 12 point Times New Roman capital V don’t go in there, or you could come out looking like a Times New Roman ampersand –> @.

8.      If you see a huge boulder at the end of the V – learn to back paddle and start reflecting on your past sins.

7.      Never go kayaking in a tuxedo – a cummerbund is not an approved flotation device.

6.      Lean forward if you want greater speed, but be sure to lean back when passing people on the shore – that makes your pot belly less noticeable.

5.      Going through rough water, it is a good idea to lean back so as to keep the nose of the kayak up. It also gives you an opportunity to look toward Heaven, whose help you may soon need.

4.      Attach a strap from the beer cooler to your ankle, so that if you’re dumped out and swept downstream, you’ll survive until Search and Rescue find you.

3.      Standing up to wave at friends is not a recommended activity.

2.      If you don’t have a wet suit – paddle naked, otherwise you’ll get your tuxedo all wet.

1.      If you are cruising along and hear a faint roar which seems to get louder by the second, and you notice that you can’t see anything but tree tops beyond a certain point – there is only one course of action. Duck into the kayak, curl up into a tight ball, and trust medical science to put the pieces back together – if they can find them all.

Bonus Tip:

When coming up to a flock of geese, never try to intimidate or scare them. A large bull goose does not have passivism written into his DNA.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

And now available –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

It’s a fact:

            It’s a commonly accepted scientific fact that bird feathers contain no blue pigment. I’ve written about this before. It seems that blue birds, humming birds, blue jays, and etc. get their blue coloring from light color rather than pigment color. Not being one to accept these things just because smart people say it’s true; I performed my own scientific experiment. I took a bright blue primary flight feather from an unfortunate blue jay, which is now flying only in left turning circles, into a light tight bathroom. There I studied it carefully and noted the beautiful blue hue. I made sure that no outside light could get in and turned off the lights. Sure enough, there in the total darkness the color was gone… in fact the whole feather was gone.

Risky business:

            Yesterday, I was driving down highway 65 when I passed a woman with her neck stretched toward the mirror and she was putting on lipstick of all things. Let me tell you, I got all upset at the sight of her dabbing her puckered pout with that little Q-tip thingy. In fact, I became so unsettled that I spilled the eye drops I was using.

I'd like to discuss something serious for a moment, but unfortunately I have no experience with that, so I won't.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

And now available –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

 

Way back in the woods:

            As I was paddling upstream a few weeks back I decided to go around the back side of one of the many small islands in the river. In normal times the water is too shallow to get behind some of those islands, but the water was pretty high. Plodding along I came to a small branch that I had never noticed before. It was heading off to the east and looked kind of interesting, so I took a chance. The stream was a virtual tunnel of overhanging trees, and the farther I went the darker it got. I was so intent on fighting the current that I didn’t noticed that there was not a sound to be heard. The ever present cicadas weren’t even singing. Actually, it was getting rather spooky. What little sunlight that filtered through the canopy had turned to no more that a green glow. As I often do, when I want to stop, I grabbed a branch. Then I heard it, way off in the woods, Dueling Banjos or the Theme from Deliverance. I grabbed a westbound current and slid out of there backwards. One wouldn’t think a kayak could go that fast in reverse.

A Serious Thought

To all my Daily Dose of Nonsense Friends:

It was brought to my attention that there is at least one web site offering my books free. I have no idea how they can benefit from that, other than planting tracking cookies or malware in your computers. That’s just a guess. That’s one of the reasons I keep my prices low so that Pirates would be less likely to mess with them. I have an agreement with Amazon, and Amazon is the only outlet for my books.

Please protect your computers… Know what you are downloading.

Lou

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

And now available –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Pergolas:

            Through the years and the ravages of Mother Nature, we have lost 2 large trees that shaded our deck. Needless to say, the sun in this part of the country can be and is summertime monster. Our deck became a place you didn’t want to spend much time. We looked at many solutions to the problem from awnings to moving to Idaho, but none gave us what we wanted. Avon found a thing called a pergola, which would give us the shade from mid-morning through late afternoon – perfect. And… the local Lowe’s store had (1) in stock, so off I went.

            When I got the 900 pound, 8 foot long carton home I read the directions, and they said I could be in the shade within 30 minutes – my heart was all aflutter. The pergola claimed to be 10 foot square, which was perfect because our deck is 10’ x 40’. Unfortunately, what the description didn’t say was that the pergola shades a 10’ square, but the actual footprint is 11 ½’ square. So, after deck modifications, rail notchings, and some highly acrobatic and risky balancing feats we sat under our pergola in total comfort. That 30 minute set up only took a little less than 9 hours.  

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

And now available –  Cain  ...

The next book  "One Man Standing" due Thanksgiving

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

It makes one wonder: 

            Back when Chris was still in high school (a time I try not to remember), he and I were loading hay into the horse barn, when we ran across a suspicious looking plant seemingly growing wild. “Is that what I think it is?” He asked. Having a pretty good idea what he thought it was and wandering how he knew what he thought it was even looked like, I affirmed that it was. We both denied having any idea how it got there beside the barn. So, after giving our best efforts to come up with an answer as to how that stuff got there, we finally decided that Red the wonder horse had been smoking pot. 

Good news, friends, September was my best month ever as a writer. I was able to slip into Amazon Kindle's top OVER ALL, which includes about a Million writers. I was # 70. Not too shabby for a small town boy who could hardly read till he was over 30.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

And now available –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

A related golf story:

            I have mowed and continually worked the field (a couple of acres beside the house) to the point that it makes a good driving range for Avon. It’s big enough that she can hit them a long way. The problem is she will hit a 100 or so balls a day, and I have to go out every day and pick them up. Have I mentioned that she is high maintenance? Of course, there is no way that I can find them all, so I pick them up as I mow. The other day I was mowing and ran over a few, which is a common occurrence. They make a lot of noise but don’t do much damage. One ball in particular must have been sitting just right because it came out of the mower chute like a rocket and sailed down range for about 100 yards – with a God awful slice to the right. I can’t get away from that slice no matter what I hit the ball with.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

And now available –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

The slice:

            There are many kinds of slices. You could have a slice of pie, a slice of heaven, or you could have the dreaded “golf slice”. The golf slice is when you hit the ball and it curves to the right landing somewhere over there, where you don’t want to be and costs you strokes just to get back into the fairway where you do want to be. I’ve had a slice for years and finally decided to go to the pro and have him help me out. He watched me swing about 10 times and said that ideally he would like to rebuild my swing from the ground up, but some of my parts were so badly worn that it would be impossible, and the replacement parts wouldn’t be available until reincarnation took place. So he did the best he could with what he had to work with. The slice is about 50% fixed, but the rest of my game is so completely out of whack I may take up tennis.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

And now available –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

I had myself worried:

            This morning I started to put on my hat and go outside, but I couldn’t get it on. I looked at the adjustment band and it hadn’t slipped or anything, so I tried it again – still wouldn’t fit. I thought, “I must be putting on weight.” I checked my belt and it was in the same notch as it’s been for the last 15 or 20 years. “Oh no,” I thought, “I’m getting a fat head!” I ran to the mirror to see how big that pumpkin on my shoulders had grown only to find that I already had one hat on my head and was trying to put another on top of it. I didn’t know whether to be happy that I wasn’t a fat head or be upset that I was an air head.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

And now available –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

That’s the good stuff:

            I had set my constant companion, my coffee mug, down on the deck rail while I performed some little chore. When I came back to it I saw a small green grasshopper sitting on the rim taking a sip. “Hey!’ I yelled, “That stuff’s too good for the likes of you.” and took a swat at him to shoo him away.  He grabbed my hand, and quick as a flash threw me flat on the deck floor. Then he spat in my direction and jumped about a hundred feet clean out of sight. I got up, and dusted myself off, and as I looked into the distance where he had disappeared… Decaf?  Not if I can help it.

Way back when:

            Way back when I was a younger man we all had a way of trying to restore a lost telephone connection. That’s when all telephones were black, ugly, plugged into the wall, and weighed about 14 pounds. We would hold the receiver away from our ear, look at it, and rapidly pound on the cradle button while yelling, “Operator…operator!” That never worked, but we all did it anyway, they even did it in the movies. Since modern telephones no longer have cradle buttons how does one restore a lost connection? Do you rapidly snap it open and closed like a duck eating corn and yell, “Cell tower…cell tower?”

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

And now available –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Well I Would Certainly Think So:

            It isn’t often that I’m able to catch the lovely Avon in one of those “Duhh?” moments, but it happened last night. I was reading and she was scrapbooking. She brought over a photo of grandson Jack sitting on my knee at his 2^nd birthday party. He was doing something exceptionally cute, and it was a good memory piece.

            Then she said, “Look how much younger you looked without your beard.” I had to agree that I did indeed look years younger and I replied, “Yes, I did look younger there, but that was eleven years ago and I was much younger there.”

            There was a long pause and then an, “Oh yeah… I guess you were.”

            Whew! The facial hair dodged another bullet.

An Observation:

            I’ve found that women don’t mind facial hair on any face they don’t have to kiss. I’ve also come to the conclusion that reason women are opposed to beards and mustaches is because they can’t grow them.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

And now available –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

These are the times that try men’s souls:

            Imagine, if you will, that you are cruising downstream on a fast running river in a fiberglass bubble known as a kayak. It’s not really a risky ride, but you do need to keep your wits about you. When suddenly you realize that you are not alone in that bubble. You see a big hairy spider slipping out of sight under the seat. You can’t get up and thrash the thing out because you’ll get wet at best or kill yourself at the worst. Your thoughts race through your mind, like what kind of spider is it? It doesn’t really matter because all spiders are carnivores. Yep, they eat meat, and you are meat.  You think if that spider realizes that you’re a potential meal it will bite you, encase you in a web, and feed you to its spiderlings all winter. There is nothing in the world that can give you more relief than spotting a gravel bar at that moment, so you can stop and get that thing out. Trust me; you’ll have spider dreams for weeks after that.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

And now available –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Do people really eat that stuff?

            Really people, do you actually eat Squash? Think about it, the word conjures up so many negative images. When I hear the word “squash”, I think of something I have stepped in, sat on, or hit with a fly swatter. I don’t recall ever eating any, and I probably won’t until they start calling it something more palatable. Someday soon, I’ll give my thoughts on Squid.

As a last resort… tell the truth:

            In September, my high school class had its annual class picnic. We weren’t able to make it, and an old chum sent me an email asking me why. I tried to come up with all kinds of excuses, but I finally had to break down and tell him the truth. It concerns all those girls I used to chase. I suspect that a lot of them don’t run as fast as they did back then. Just what hell would I do if I caught one?

Read faster, the lovely Avon is going to the Mall.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

And now available –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Here we go again:

            Here in the Ozarks there us a particularly onerous thorny vine that grows in and around other more gentle plants. I took a cutting of this evil vine to a local expert, and she called it Cockspur. I thought – here we go again. Is this another one of those “Henbit” things (hens don’t bite…they peck). Everyone knows that Cocks don’t purr. Kittens purr, and cocks crow. Who ever heard of a rooster purring at sunrise? Then she showed me the description in a book, and I saw that it was really 2 words – cock’s spur, which made a lot more sense.

            What makes cock’s spur so evil is the fact it has thousands of hooked, needle sharp thorns on vines up to 20 feet long. It will get itself entwined in a shrub or small tree and lay in wait for unsuspecting humans to pass by. To cut it out you have to be particularly cautious because while you’re protecting your face from being raked by thorns the other end has found the back of you bare legs and ripping them to shreds. You finally give in to one of two choices. You can give up and try to remember which bushes are cursed, or you can go ahead and chop it out with the hope that the local blood center has your type on hand.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

And now available –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Franklin could have said it:

            There was a time during the Lyndon Johnson presidential era when the powers that were in charge feared the growing hippie movement. So they sought to weaken its growth by subtly attacking one of the symbols of the times – the beard. To do this surreptitiously, the administration tried to take whiskers out of fashion by removing Abe Lincoln’s image on the penny and replacing it with a beardless one. The people didn’t know what was wrong, but they knew it was just plain wrong. Instead of pennies being carelessly tossed into fruit jars, they were being thrown into opaque ceramic containers where the beardless face of Mr. Lincoln wouldn’t be seen.  This only served to prove the old adage, “A penny shaved is a penny urned”. 

          I know.... that was bad, but I'm not gonna apologize because I've got a lot more, and they have to go somewhere.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

And now available –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

I'll be Offline until Tuesday October 4

See you then.

Things that make me smile:

Train whistles at night. When I was young we lived near the B&O tracks and there were still a lot of passenger trains at that time. Although they were all diesel at that time the passenger trains had a different sound; more like a harmonic musical note as compared to the blare of a freight horn. When I would hear those passenger trains at night I would wonder where those people were going and who they were and what their lives were all about. Now the only trains I hear at night are all far away freight trains.

Sometimes very early in the mornings, I can still hear a train calling out in the darkness. The nearest track is at least 8 miles away, but the sound will carry that far. I try to get nostalgic and wonder about where that freight is going, but it’s not the same. A tanker full of chemicals or a gondola loaded with coal just lacks the romance of a dining car full of people. But then again, there could be some romance going on in those cattle cars… please don’t send pictures.

I will be off line for the next 4 days... See you on Tuesday Oct 7.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

And now available –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

California – Before we made the right turn:

            When we got to the golden state, we made a left turn instead of a right so we could spend a few days with my sister and brother in law. While we were there, my nephew, Ron relayed a story about his dad and the thermostat. It seems that there is a long-standing rule in the household that the heat isn’t turned on until a certain date in November. In Orange County California, why would you turn it on at all? 

            Ron and lovely his wife, Vonda, had brought their infant daughter to visit grandma and grandpa. It was cool in the house, and my nephew knew that he wouldn’t get anywhere with a heat request. So, he rolled up a dollar bill and a note for more heat into the baby’s hand to give to grandpa. It worked. Vonda, who was nursing at that time, said it was so chilly that she was afraid she would be serving the baby a slushy. 

New Disclaimer: It should be noted that this blog is completely green and 100% recyclable. When you people fill up all the landfills – don’t go blaming me. Politics and religion will not be mentioned unless stupidity runs rampant. These snippets are merely the ramblings of a nonsensical somewhat askew senior mind. I will try to publish it , but that may not happen. In contrast to the Las Vegas adds – whatever happens here may be passed on with my blessings. It’s all fun. This blog may be used as a church bulletin, but I wouldn't. 

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

And now available –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

The next book... Last Man Standing is due around the first of December 2014.