The latest diet:

            I ran into an old friend the other day and couldn’t believe my eyes. He had lost at least 50 lbs. I asked him what he had done to make such a difference, and he replied, “I eat what I want and as much as I want, but I only swallow the salad.” Then he suggested that we do lunch. I suddenly found that I had a prior commitment.  

* * * * *

Mental exercise:

            Avon has been wanting us to learn a foreign language. I guess she thinks that if I could speak French I would be more sophisticated and sexier. There’s a fat chance of that happening. If I spoke French, I would just be the same old Lou, except that nobody would be able to understand me. I told her that the only foreign language I would consider was Gaelic. That way if we were ever invaded by Irish Celtic Oak tree loving Druids, I would be able to tell them to, “Get out of my tree and off my property – and besides… that’s a Hickory!” 

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – And  available Now – Rubio

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw

Bird love, unrequited:

            For the last couple of days a small flycatcher has been sitting in my apple tree calling for his sweetheart. All day long, he yells, “Phoebe! Phoebe!” but Phoebe doesn’t answer. I tried to tell him that yelling her name won’t get it done, and what he needs is soft music, flowers, and a fat bug or two, but he won’t shut up long enough to listen:

* * * * *

Are You Kidding Me?

            Have you ever noticed that when you tell someone something they will often say, “Oh really?” or “No kidding?” It’s as if they thought you were lying or making it up. Does that ever bother you? I’m never offended by it because most of the time I am making it up.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – And  available Now – Rubio

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Dear Doctor Love:

            Since the movie review segment, was such a roaring sleeper I have decided to try an advice to the lovelorn column. Our first letter just came in...

            Dear Doctor Love: I am a 93-year-old man who has been corresponding with a 22-year-old coed. She thinks I am an Arab oil Sheik and wants to meet with me. What should I do? 

DB, Syracuse, NY

            Dear DB: First, wrap a dishtowel around your head; next wrap a sheet around the rest of you. Most importantly, write, “Call 911” with a permanent marker on the palm of your hand. 

Dr. Love

Too many cooks:

            There is an old saying that goes, “Too many cooks spoil the broth.” The lovely Avon and I seem to have worked out that problem. We have each found our strengths and weaknesses, and now we can share the kitchen. I operate the can opener, and she operates the microwave. We are such gourmets.

Uncle Ed Update:

Uncle Ed is still undergoing therapy for a little bit of a mental disorder... He thinks he's a trained seal and has spent the last week balancing a beach ball on his nose. The doc says he's getting better and could be released by Monday. Yesterday, he did some finger painting, ate some Play Dough, and smoked 2 Crayolas before they took his matches.... Yep, I think he's almost back to normal.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – And  available Now – Rubio

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com 

In the time before enlightenment:

            Before there was Wal-Mart, Lowe’s, and Target there were few places where a person could get the things he needed at a somewhat reasonable prices. One of these places, I’ll call it Sears seemed to be the answer. They had everything, but everything I got from them was a real problem. Nothing ever went right. One evening, after working late I went to resolve a long standing fight to get a 15 cent part which had cost upwards of $15 so far in UPS charges alone. I demanded to see the store manager, not the department manager. I was shown to his office and found him to be very helpful, but nervous. When I returned to my truck I glanced in the mirror and found a 2-inch streak of bright blue across my cheekbone. I had been working with colored inks and paints all day. The movie “Brave Heart” had just been released and was a big hit. That manager must have thought me a crazed Scots highlander with kilt, tam, and 2 handed Claymore sword waiting outside.

            He called me the next day and said he had the part (only $5.99) and if I would give him my card number, I could pick it up. I grabbed a tube of blue paint and smeared it across my cheek, and told him to “Stuff it!” I haven’t been in one of those stores since.

Punctuation:

            For the last few months, I have been working on a project with an editor on the West Coast. She is a Chinese lady named Si Zboom Ba Schaefer (pronounced Shay-fur). She is a cruel and pitiless taskmistress with a passion for commas. This woman has never met a dot or dot with a tail that she didn’t like. Unfortunately, I have never met one that I had any idea as to where it was supposed to be, so I just let them find their own homes. In the last 60 days or so, I have started to get the idea. Now I find myself audibly saying comma, period, semi-colon, and question mark as part of my normal conversation. The strange looks I get don’t bother me (space) (dash) (space) I’ve been getting those all my life (period)

Uncle Ed is still in Shock Therapy... but will return soon.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – And  available Now – Rubio

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw

Things that make me smile:

I always smile at those little round turtles that race across my yard at about 2 miles per week. They never seem to get upset when you place an obstacle in their path; they will either go over it, around it, or just withdraw into their shells and wait it out. Best of all, when I pick one up and look it in the face it seems to smile and say, “Goood moorninng, Louuuu.”

* * * * *

Motivation:

            There used to be a popular phrase used by every preacher or motivational speaker who ever stood behind a podium. I’m sure you are all familiar with it and probably thought it clever the first 40 or 50 thousand times you heard or read it. It went, “Today is the first day of the rest of your life.” I always thought it would be more realistic to say, “Tomorrow might be a nice day to get started.” 

Uncle Ed is having technical difficulties this morning... Edna had taken down the mirror for cleaning and Ed thought he had become invisible.   The Electro Shock treatments seem to be helping.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – And  available Now – Rubio

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw 

Things that go bump in the night:

            When a young man in the 1950s and 60s got his first car, he was faced with three questions. He knew of course that it would need a lot of work. Did he work on the engine, did he work on the appearance, and how much could he afford? My first car was a ’49 Ford Coupe-Mistake and should have been in a museum. I called it the Roman Candle because when you started it up it would sizzle and pop before it took off. I analyzed the above questions and installed a pair of fuzzy dice.

            I was coming home much too late one night, and as I slowed on the curve to make a left turn down the hill toward home, I heard the semi behind me go Pfffff Pfffff as he hit his brakes hard (I must have forgotten to signal). As I started down the hill I spotted something coming after me hard and fast in the dark. I pushed it to the floor and the Ford went Ungh! Close to panic, I pulled off and out of the way of that…huge truck tire and wheel, which passed me like a rocket in the lane I had just vacated. I got out, looked up the hill, and saw something else coming after me, which turned out to be the truck driver. About the time he reached me that wheel ran off the road and slammed into the side of a house then took out some bushes on the bounce back. The driver huffed puffed and choked, “Are you okay?” I said I was, and he took off running back up toward his 17 wheeler. I wasn’t in any condition to stick around and answer a bunch of State Police questions at that hour. So re-lit the Roman Candle and got out of there. The Griffins who lived in that house must have thought the crazy Russians had finally let one fly.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – And  available Now – Rubio

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw

An old movie slip-up:

            I was watching Turner Classic Movies and the narrator was droning on and on down the list of stars in a particularly weak Beach Blanket movie. He ran through the barely notables and the obscure in great detail. Those movies always had a live band in it somewhere, and this one was no exception; it had the Chad Mitchell Trio. The Chad Mitchell Trio had a succession of about 4 different Chad Mitchell’s; one of which was a young John Denver. Sure enough, there was John Denver but with black-framed glasses and a slightly darker blond mop. It was nonetheless JD also known as John Deucenendorf. The not so well informed narrator had missed the diamond amid all the rhinestones.  

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – And  available Now – Rubio

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw

Another road trip:

           Some years back, Avon and I took a little ride to Europe to visit Chris who was stationed in Germany at the time. We got off the plane in Frankfort and immediately got onto the Autobahn at God-awful speeds. Driving at nearly 100 mph I couldn’t read any of the signs – I couldn’t have read them at 30 mph since they were in German. We were soon hopelessly lost, so I stopped for directions at a sort of convenience store. I went in and asked if anyone spoke English. An older man standing at the counter said in perfect English, “If I were going to England I would learn English before I went.” I have been known to speak without thinking and wanted to tell him that my father had come to Germany in 1944 so I wouldn’t have to learn German, but fortunately I didn’t. He then proceeded to give me precise and accurate directions. He came off as the winner, but I was happy that he mistook me for a dumb Brit and not a dumb Yank. The State Dept. was having enough trouble with our image and didn’t need any help from me.

Life is much too important to be taken seriously.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – And  available Now – Rubio

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw

A sense of humor is a good thing:

            I was once introduced to a man in a business situation. He was small, dark, and wore a dour expression. I stuck out my hand; he looked at it thoughtfully and said, “No. I already know all the people I need to know.” I of course took it for a joke and cracked up. He wasn’t joking, but got caught up in my good humor and saw how funny it was. We had a long and profitable relationship and became friends, but we never did shake hands.

Eyebrows, the Care & Grooming of:

            As men get older, their eyebrows grow faster, tougher and wilder. When I smoked a pipe, I was able to keep them groomed with an occasional butane lighter flare-up. Since then I have learned that burning brush every couple of months keeps eyebrows, sideburns, nose hair, beard, mustache, and ear fur under control, but you must remember to wear a hat.

Technical difficulties with the cartoon... (Uncle Ed can't find his teeth this morning)

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – And  available Now – Rubio

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw

From the Editor:

            When world economics took a nosedive in ‘08, I saw many newspapers using various methods of cost cutting. One of the most notable is a smaller format to save paper. I forget what the sheet sizes used to be, but they seem to be about 25% smaller now. They are also squeezing the comics into unreadable proportions. With that in mind, I have decided to double the price of this blog to increase its value. So, now instead of it just being free it will be twice as free. Does that also mean if I had cut the price in half it would have been half as free? You figure it out.

 LB, editor

Flight hazards:           

 Yesterday I saw a Bluebird trying to fly south, but the wind was blowing so hard that he was sailing east at about 30 mph. He finally grabbed a tree branch and held on for dear life; otherwise, he stood a good chance of winding up a Kentucky Bluebird. 

Life is much too important to be taken seriously

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – And  available Now – Rubio

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw

Follow up:

            Last month I wrote about a comic strip that I couldn’t get the humor from, until I looked at it differently. To follow that same thread, I recall a relative of mine, who couldn’t see the humor in Archie Bunker’s antics. I remember seeing this person sitting there nodding his head as Archie mounted his attacks. He would have voted Archie into congress if he’d had the chance. He also failed to see any humor in The Beverly Hillbillies. The dialect spoken by Jed, Granny, Jethrow, and Elli May was the same language spoken at our kitchen table.

Always Remember

Life is much too important to be taken seriously.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – And  available Now – Rubio

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw

Poetic license:

I have heard the term, Poetic License most of my life, and I always wondered exactly what it meant. It finally came home to roost one evening, while I was sitting through a poet’s reading. It must be a license that gives an unwashed whiner the legal right to bore a person to death with an hour or so of mind numbing woe and incomprehensible drivel. After dozing through that long drawn out affair, I thought about getting a hunting license and seeing if I could tree that varmint. The way I see it, that would be Poetic Justice.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – And  available Now – Rubio

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw

Livestock portfolio:

            Many centuries ago, I was working in the Art Dept. of a sales and promotions company in St. Louis. Actually, I was the Art Dept., and I was given any title that was appropriate for the job at hand. I was an Illustrator, Graphic Artist, Layout Artist, Designer, or Art Director and often all at the same time. One day the receptionist sent up a young man for an interview. He was fresh out of vocational school and loaded with confidence to the point of being cocky. He was proud of his work, and it was pretty good stuff. His portfolio was open on the work table and he was pulling out samples. I said, “Oh, you do animation?” He said, “Huh?” and looked down at his portfolio, where a big black water bug about the size of a box turtle was just crawling out. He closed the portfolio, turned around, walked out, and I never saw or heard from him again. But he left the bug.

Life is much too important to be taken seriously

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – And  available Now – Rubio

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw

Gender Peculiarities:

            A friend who worked as an audiovisual serviceman for a large school district told me once that he could tell the sex of projector user by the condition of the power cord. His theory was that women typically wind the cord from the plug to the unit, twisting it as they went. If a machine came in from a female teacher, he would check the power cord connection first. Generally, that was all it needed. Whereas, if a projector came from one of the athletic department it needed a complete rebuild and a good cleaning, but the cord was good. After years of hearing about how not to wind a power cord, the lovely Avon won’t even wrap one up – she just hands it to me.

Truths:

            If you think you need a Prenuptial Agreement, you have either way too much money or too little faith in your choices to be thinking of marriage.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – And  available Now – Rubio

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw

Exhaustive Research Department:

            As many of you know I am a Doubting Thomas… or a Doubting Lou if you will. In other words, I feel it is my duty to prove or disprove certain common misconceptions.

1.      Kitty Litter does not pertain to a litter of kitties.

2.      Bud Light is not something you could use to read a book by. Although, one could get a glow from it.

3.      Semi Trailer isn’t semi anything. Those suckers are really big!

4.      Presidential Cabinet has no shelves – only fat cats, who would probably need plenty of the afore mentioned kitty litter.

5.      Counter Intelligence has no connection as to how smart a convenience store clerk might be.

6.      Controlled Substances usually aren’t.

7.      Higher Education just keeps getting higher…and higher…and higher.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – And  available Now – Rubio

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw

Technology running amuck:

            Whenever I buy something and look at my computer generated sales receipt, I’ll be the first to admit I don’t have any idea what I’m looking at. There’s a whole bunch of numbers on the left side and numbers on the right side. For every group of numbers on the left side there are obvious dollar amounts on the right side. Then there is a total on the right side and a tax below the total, which creates a need for another total. I believe that last total to be a total-total. The total-total always seems to my untrained eye, to be excessive. My question is, when the computer comes to the total-total does it see that the amount has changed and update the total-total with a new amount, which would be a tax-tax and then another new amount, as the tax is compounded-compounded? If any of you understand what I just wrote, please explain it to me.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – And  available Now – Rubio

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw

Inanimate Democracy:

            A few weeks ago, I was sitting at a traffic light absent-mindedly looking at a new Mercedes, when the light changed. I made my turn and drove on. Then, I started thinking about that shiny new Mercedes still sitting there waiting. I was so thankful that those lights were impartial machines because had a living person been operating them, they would surely have let a luxury vehicle go before they’d send a ratty old Ford truck through. I would have, in fact I would probably made me get off the road completely.

From the Editor:

            I hate winter! Enough said. 

LB, Editor

(I like to call myself the Editor... It makes me think I'm in charge.)

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – And  available Now – Rubio

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw

Elaborate vocabulary (Elabulary):

            I have always had a love affair with words that sounded over the top. I had my first head on collision with what I meant to say and what I really said in grade school, when I made a diorama.  I stood in front of the class with my little shoebox scene in my hands and proudly told all about my diarrhea. Then there was the time in high school, when I was using the word, “masticate”, instead of, “chew”. You have a pretty good idea what really came out of my mouth. I was dumb enough, at that time,to miss the slight mispronunciation. But everyone seemed to get a kick out of it except Mrs. Biggerstaff. That was the only time I can remember her stuttering.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – And  available Now – Rubio

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw

The Biggs:

            I’ve mentioned the Biggs, who live across the road, several times in my ramblings. Well, I’m mentioning them again. I’ve stated before that they are not at all prone to physical labor. They will drive across their yard the 100 feet to their storage shed, and I’ve seen Napoleon drive right to the front step to keep from walking the 10 feet from the driveway, and his lovely wife Josephine has a similar aversion to doing more than necessary. They keep the yard well cut and neat so that’s not a problem, although it’s cut when it’s absolutely needed and is cut down to about a half inch. The other day while talking to Napoleon in the yard, I noticed that the Christmas tree was still up. Now, it was getting well into March, so I asked him if he was trying to get the most out of that Christmas feeling. With absolute seriousness he said, “Oh, the kids like it… and a year goes by pretty quickly.”  

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – And  available Now – Rubio

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw

How cool is cool?

            Looking out my front window a little while ago, I saw a red and white 58’ Corvette drive by. After it had driven over the next hill, I tried to control my drooling and wondered where it came from – besides Detroit. I scanned the road in both directions wondering who could likely be the lucky owner. I broke down the people in the area with a critical eye searching for a possible winner and my new best friend. After several hours, and any number of charts filled with plusses and minuses I concluded that it had to be someone who was lost. There’s no one in this area cool enough to have a car like that or even know a visitor cool enough to have a car like that. How depressing is that?

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – And  available Now – Rubio

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw

Time management:

            I’ve learned a method of controlling time. It was so simple; I can’t imagine why I didn’t think of it years ago. What I have done is set all the clocks and watches we own at a different time. That way if I’m running late, I go to a slow clock and I’ll be right on time and visa versa. I’ve even taken it to the extent that I have a clock that is set opposite whatever the seasonal time is. My time management method may cause irritability in some of the folks who are waiting for me to show up for an appointment, but it’s lowered my blood pressure considerably. My next venture will be controlling the calendar.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – And  available Now – Rubio

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw