Politically incorrect:

            We’ve taken political correctness about as far as we can take it. I think it’s time we rethink it. My first encounter with political correctness was in the second grade. I had just called Tommy a dummy for eating my yellow Crayola. The teacher, Mrs. Webster, told me that if I called someone a dummy and they had a brother or sister who couldn’t talk, then they might be hurt. I had no idea what she was talking about, but I didn’t want to hurt anyone, unless of course they deserved it. There must have been thousands of teachers giving that same speech all over the country because we’ve become a nation afraid to call a flake a flake and a dummy a dummy. I just came from Wal-Mart, where in encountered idiots going up one isle, morons going down another isle, lunatics running across traffic, and crazy people working at the cash registers. There… don’t I feel better? Take that Mrs. Webster. 

Sometimes Life Happens:

Back in the days of early retirement, I found that I needed a few things to keep myself busy. I would wake up at 5:00 and my next big adventure was the mail man at 4:00 pm. So I joined an art group, but that wasn’t enough, and I looked around for anything that needed doing. One day, Avon asked (told) me to take down the wreath on the front door and put up the one for fall… I had a project.

As I reached in there to get  a hold of it, I felt about 27,000 volts of electricity go through my hand, up my arm and into my brain, and then the wasps started coming out. Ripping that wreath off and throwing it as far as I could, I started jumping around, shaking my catcher’s mitt sized hand, and cussing. That was some world class cussing I want to tell you; I was making it up as I went.

I got some flammable liquid from the garage and built a nice circular bond fire right where that cursed thing lay, and I danced around it, cussing, shaking my hand, and beating it with a rake. When I was at my zenith of mad behavior, the 2 church ladies from that group which drops in unannounced pulled into my driveway. They started to get out with their hands full of tracts and magazines, when they saw my bazaar behavior. They stopped, got back into the car and backed out into the road without looking only to hear screeching tires and a blaring horn. Fortunately for them, the Septic tank cleaner’s truck had good brakes, or they would have had a really unpleasant mess.

They never came back… I guess they figured I was too far gone. The swelling went down, but the lovely Avon wasn’t at all happy about the wreath being sacrificed as a burnt offering, and I started writing instead of waiting for the mail man…. All’s well that doesn’t get you killed.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

And now available –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Missouri laws:

            In Missouri, Open Burning is permitted anywhere, unless prohibited by local laws, but you may only burn materials that grow on your property. Out here on the ranch, I constantly have brush piles waiting for a match, as do most of my neighbors. Yesterday, I got a call from Uncle Ed, asking me to get him out of jail again. When I got there, he was banging on the bars with a tin cup, and making a general nuisance of himself. I got him settled down and got the story.

            It seems that Uncle Ed was burning brush, and thought he’d get rid of some old tires. He said he’d just got a good smoke going when the Sheriff, the Fire Dept, the EPA, and two ladies from PETA all showed up with guns, hoses, writs, and official looking ID badges. He said he had no idea what those PETA women were there for, but they were doing more yelling than all the rest. I told him that he couldn’t burn anything that he didn’t grow. He said, “I know, but I showed them the bushes that look just like tires cut in half and growing on either side of the driveway, and that’s when they put the cuffs on me.”

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

And now available –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Where’s that stuff come from?

            I was rummaging around in my sock drawer and found 3 identical socks. There wasn’t a fourth sock anywhere in that drawer. I couldn’t remember ever wearing those socks, neither all nor any of them. For all I knew they weren’t even mine, but there they were in there with my other socks. I just had to sit down and contemplate what this all meant. After a long spell of thinking, I finally came to the conclusion that someone had been using my sock drawer as his own. I could deal with that okay, but I was a bit troubled trying to imagine where and how that third foot hooked on.

Summer:

            Country singer, Tex Ritter once had a top 20, crossover hit titled “Hillbilly Heaven”. We’ve taken that a step farther this year. July of 2014 in the Ozarks turned out to be “Hillbilly Hell”, and August seems to be taking hell to a whole new level.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

And now available –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Missouri laws:

            In Missouri, Open Burning is permitted anywhere, unless prohibited by local laws, but you may only burn materials that grow on your property. Out here on the ranch, I constantly have brush piles waiting for a match, as do most of my neighbors. Yesterday, I got a call from Uncle Ed, asking me to get him out of jail again. When I got there, he was banging on the bars with a tin cup, and making a general nuisance of himself. I got him settled down and got the story.

            It seems that Uncle Ed was burning brush, and thought he’d get rid of some old tires. He said he’d just got a good smoke going when the Sheriff, the Fire Dept, the EPA, and two ladies from PETA all showed up with guns, hoses, writs, and official looking ID badges. He said he had no idea what those PETA women were there for, but they were doing more yelling than all the rest. I told him that he couldn’t burn anything that he didn’t grow. He said, “I know, but I showed them the bushes that look just like tires cut in half and growing on either side of the driveway, and that’s when they put the cuffs on me.”

Patience:

            Lately, Avon has been showing a great deal of patience towards me, but unfortunately, she isn’t extending much of it.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

And now available –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Golfing with the wife:

There are the rules of golf to be followed, and there are the rules of wife to be followed. This section concerns Hot Weather Golf.

When playing with the wife in hot weather one must:

1.      Rent a cart for sure.

2.      Drive that thing really fast to create a breeze, but never under any circumstance hit a bump.

3.      Always keep her side of the seat out of the sun, even if it means driving backward or sideways while going really fast and avoiding bumps.

4.      When approaching her ball, make sure that you get as close to it as humanly possible, while driving really fast avoiding bumps in reverse.

5.      If the sun is on her seat while she is making her shot you must stand where your body will keep it shaded.

6.      When approaching your ball, pull into the nearest shaded area with a breeze. Park her there and walk the 50 or 60 yards to your ball. Be sure to choose the right club so you don’t have to make a second trip.... Oh, and make your shot quickly, in case the breeze lets up.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

And now available –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Not political:

            I promised that I wouldn’t get political in this Newsletter, but I also said unless someone did something stupid. So in light of Mr. Obama’s numerous gaffs with his “poor choices of words”, I couldn’t resist taking a few shots at him and Mr. Bush as well.

            George W. Bush always mispronounced the word “nuclear”. He called it “nuculer”. All one needs to do is look at the word to see that there’s no way it could be pronounced like that. It drove me bananas knowing that he must have had hundreds of minions to tell him it was wrong. I could only conclude that he didn’t care, or that everyone was afraid to tell him.

            Several years ago,  President Obama spoke with Joe Buck and Tim McCarver during the baseball All Star game, he was trying to find the plural possessive of “you”  and said, “your guyses”. Now, I’m no scholar, but I know that ain’t right. Fortunately, on a global scale, only the English speaking countries hear what our president says without interpreters fixing things. It’s amazing to me that something like that could have come from the mouth of a former Harvard Law Review editor.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

And now available –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Fish or Foul?

            A word of caution for the summer months. If you love shrimp as we do, then be sure to choose your serving day carefully. Be fully aware of when your trash pick up is. There isn’t much to get rid of when you clean shrimp, but those shells are powerful. If they have to set more than 2 days you can’t double, triple, or quadruple bag ‘em enough. Fortunately, I snuck them into Napoleon and Josephine Biggs’ trash can across the road – and that was still too close.

Did you know?

            Did you know that tough guys Clint Eastwood and Lee Marvin only worked on 1 movie together? It was of all things a movie version of the Broadway Musical “Paint Your Wagon.” They sang their own songs, and Clint Eastwood received good reviews for his singing.

Keeping up with the Joneses:

            As a youngster, I found that to be almost impossible. My family had its share of Joneses, and they were all tall, good looking, and could run like the wind. Let’s just say that I was not so tall, and I ran like the cloud of dust the Joneses left in their wake.

What I’m likely to be doing, when I’m not blogging, golfing, or working on a book.

The Crooked Window

When I was a youngster, back in the Missouri Boot Heel, I saw a woman (one of our neighbors) standing and staring out her window. I had no idea what she was looking at or what she might have been thinking, but I remember looking in that direction. I couldn't see anything but a dirt road surrounded by cotton fields. I don't recall what she really looked like, but the expression has stayed with me for over 60 years.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

And now available –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

It’s All About How You Say It:

            Some years back, we were in Athens Georgia, where I was being interviewed for the position of Dean of Beta Nonsense and Applied Bullshit and to pick up a Bulldog sweatshirt. We had a little time to kill, so we were roaming around one of the malls. All of a sudden a small boy of maybe 3 years came tearing up the escalator. A short distance back, trying to keep up without knocking over other riders was a sweet faced young mother, who was fairly in a panic to catch the runaway.

            We corralled the young rascal and I said, “Woah there, pardner, what’s the hurry?” to which he replied, “We’re going to McDonald’s and I’m gonna to get a HAPPY MEAL!” which in itself was pretty cute. His mom reached the top and thanked us for stalling him and then in a voice literally dripping in honey and southern charm, “Come on now, Shoogah Piah,”

            I looked at Avon and she looked at me, and we both watched them walk away before we broke up. Ever since that day the lovely Avon has been known as “Shoogah Piah”…. Oh I didn’t get the Dean’s job… there were some irregularities in my vita. Well after all, I am a fiction writer.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

And now available –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

A gross misunderstanding:

            I ran into Uncle Ed at the sawmill yesterday, he was just sitting on the tailgate of his truck looking at a huge pile of sawdust. He was looking rather poorly, and I thought he might be sick, so I asked him if he was okay, he said he was. So I asked, “What’s the problem then?”

            He said, “Roy,(he always calls me Roy) I’ve always wanted to go to Japan, and now I learn that those Geishas are just high dollar waitresses and singers.” I agreed that it was so. He sighed and said, “I always thought they were strippers.” I guess that means he isn’t going.

Do we really see what we think we see?

            I saw an optical illusion from my front window this morning. It concerned a road, some tree trunks, and fog. What was in front was in back, and what was in back floated in mid air. It would take 10,000 words to describe it, and you still wouldn’t be able to see it. I’m sorry I brought it up so don’t read this part.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

And now available –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

A little Beemer bashing if you please:

            While driving through town the other day, I watched a new black BMW convertible approach from a side street. It was a beauty. It had to be upwards of $50,000 minimum. The lady behind the wheel approached the stop sign and ignored it, which caused me to use my horn because I try to save my breaks for emergencies. She must have thought that a friend had honked because she waved in three directions. I finally had to resort to my breaks – she never even knew I was there. After thinking it over it dawned on me that she must have thought her car was so expensive that it would be immune to traffic mishaps. If she keeps driving like that, I’m afraid she will be greatly disappointed in her immunization.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

And now available –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Life Imitating Art:

            To me a piece of good art is like a good woman. It’s something that you can look at everyday and appreciate it for its beauty and quality. It’s something that has no flaws… in your eyes, and you don’t want to change anything about it. Even when the frame is showing a little wear, the master’s touch is still evident. The lovely Avon and I celebrated our 49^th year, last week… she’s still a masterpiece. Don’t you just hate it when I write something serious?

               

Speaking of Art:

            My first art job was with the Air Force as an illustrator. My boss had a unique way of cutting me off at the knees when I would get too pleased with my own work. He’d hold it out at arm’s length and consider it with great thoughtfulness, and then he’d turn it over to see if there was anything on the back.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

And now available –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

They don’t make ‘em like that anymore:

            When I was in the early grades, we were all worried that the Russions would attack us with Atomic bombs. In school we would have air-raid drills and have to get under our desks. I am still amazed at the prospect that as old and beat up as those desks were – they could stand up to an Atom bomb.

And I did it my way:

            A friend saw me doing something particularly not smart one day and said, “I never thought I would ever see you doing something like that.” I thought – Just stick around, my friend, you’ll be able to write a book.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

And now available –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Life’s goals:

            I once worked for a woman who was occasionally my friend but was always my boss. Even with that somewhat strained relationship, I had to admire her life’s ambition. I admired it so much that I adopted it as my own. She always said that the one thing she wanted to be when she got older was a character. I’ve lost track of her over the last 25 years, but I’ve often wondered how she made out with it.

            I must admit I haven’t put a great deal of effort into my own pursuit of her goal. But from the reactions I get from some of the things I do or say, I'd guess that I'm pretty much on track.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

And now available –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

The unseen and the unheard:

            I have always believed in the things that I couldn't see. Spooks, spirits, pixies, leprechauns, and of course Angels are as real to me as rush hour traffic. I had a co-worker once who felt quite differently. He not only didn't believe in what he couldn't see but he didn't believe in silent letters either. He would pronounce every letter in every word. For instance, Creighton University was Creig-hu-ton to him. I used to crack up when he would say, “Lou, you hav-e a p-hon-e cal-l.” We never let him talk to anyone outside the department.

He's on line and doing fine, Look for Cain on Amazon Kindle

He's #5 in the Ben Blue series

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

And now  –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Men can’t really cook:

            Now, that’s going to get some negative e-mail, but it’s true. We all claim that we can, but in reality, we can’t. It’s just that we aren’t afraid to experiment or improvise and sometimes it works out ok. Each of us claims to make great chili, but we can’t do it twice and have it come out the same. If a man is following a recipe that calls for fresh strawberries and he doesn’t have any he will rationalize that canned tomatoes are the same color, so they will probably work. Every man who ever held match to a charcoal briquette knows he could have been a famous chef. Men feel that they can accomplish any meal as long as it contains 2 of the 5 major food groups – beef, chicken, pork, beef, and beer. If the entrée isn’t overly successful we won’t bother with leftovers because nobody wants it again, and we probably couldn’t find a lid for the Tupperware anyway.

Now available on Amazon Kindle...$0.99

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

Coming soon…. Mid-August 2014 –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Sorry... No Blog today... Enjoying time with out of town family. I'll be back tomorrow.

And despite that, the dog ate my homework!

It’s all in the name:

            This story was told to me by a golfing friend who is also an avid fisherman, which makes him a double-barreled liar. With that in mind you can judge its validity. A young Greene County process server went out to serve papers on a Mr. John Seggscoure. When he got to the man’s place of employment, he asked the lady in HR if they had a Seggscoure working there. “Sex Hour!” she yelled, “Are you crazy, you’d be lucky to get a coffee break!” 

Cain is the latest of the Ben Blue series of traditional shoot 'em up westerns. This is No. 5 in the series and brings in a character from one of my earlier books, "Ace High". Shad Cain is no gentle soul when it comes to dealing with the rougher elements of mankind. Hope you enjoy it. Available on Amazon Kindle for Kindle, iPad, and other readers.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

and Now –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Weeds or flowers:

            We have a spring blooming purple flowered weed here that everyone considers a nuisance. Personally, I like it, but most just try to kill it. The grandkids showed me that it has a sugar content like honeysuckle but much lower, you’d have to graze about an acre to get a good sugar high. The horticulturalists call it Henbit. Now, the simplest minded country boy knows that hens don’t bite they peck. For my own safety and well-being that’s all I’m going to say on the subject of henpecking.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

Coming soon…. Mid-August 2014 –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

It's that time of year:
The lovely Avon has been working for the last few weeks helping to get ready for the big church garage sale. She spent all year, collecting and storing things for the sale. Then she has been almost a missing person, spending her days sorting, folding, pricing, and organizing. She left here about a half hour ago to help with the selling.
I on the other hand, have done nothing to help beyond a little comforting and sympathizing, and telling her that she's working too hard and say things like, "It's too bad that only a few get involved while the others sit back and benefit."
About mid morning, I'll do my part... I'll go up there and buy all my stuff back, so they can sell it again next year.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther

Coming soon…. Mid-August 2014 –  Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts