Nature's Way:

Some month months ago, I gave New Orleans hell for being built where it shouldn't be, but we humans have been trying to put ourselves into places where God and nature say “Thou shalt not go.” I truly feel for the people who have been flooded throughout the Midwest in recent years. But as with New Orleans it comes down to a few words that tell the whole story. In the case of the major rivers overrunning their banks and brushing aside levees those words are “Flood Plain”. Now just what part of flood plain makes the least amount of sense to those people? Mother Nature has used that land as overflow for millions of years, and she’ll still use it whenever she damned well feels like it.

That naturally brings us to earthquakes. This is directed to my much-loved sister in California; do the 2 simple words “Fault Line” mean anything to you?

We are told that the human body is better than 90% water. But as any married man can testify that saying the slightest wrong thing to a wife can cause water to become a combustible liquid.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High…and now… Blue Norther

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

The Food Issue:

            I like food. It’s one of my favorite things to eat. There are some foods that I really don’t care for, but then again I don’t really dislike them either. Not like asparagus, that’s one that I can really dislike. Take for instance lettuce, it’s something that’s there, and I can’t see much of a reason for it being there. Lettuce has no taste that I can determine. It may as well be rice, which has no taste either. They both just sit there, taking on the flavors that surround them.  

            After close study and exhaustive research, I’ve determined that lettuce has the job of making the onion and tomato look good on a burger, and keeping the blue cheese dressing and cucumbers from settling at the bottom of a salad bowl. Opposing viewpoints are always welcome, but only after you do your exhaustive research. At least what you think is exhaustive.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High…and now… Blue Norther

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Squirrel War News:

            I have received some offensive aid from an unexpected source, which only confirms my resolve and my rightness. Mother Nature has provided me with a very large Great Horned Owl, which has taken up evening patrol in a large oak tree. I can see him arrive at about dusk and some movement in the pre-dawn hours. He/she is a thing of beauty to watch, for what little time (light) I can because you can’t hear it unless it calls. The owl feathers are silky and loose at the ends to diffuse the air in flight – stealth birds. Mom Nature has also given me a couple of Red Tailed Hawks, which are starting to show up over my field to watch for squirrels running in the open from various clumps of trees. I haven’t seen them score yet, but I know the owl is feasting. I have allies.

            This morning I saw 3 squirrels romping and gamboling in the treetops zooming around like one long unit. They stayed far enough out of range so that I couldn't get a shot with the pellet gun. I heard one of them say, “Hey, let’s go eat some more of that old guys truck.” One of the other ones said, ‘Nah, I’m gonna stay here and goose Clarence right out of this tree.” So the would be truck eater started toward the driveway, and then there were 2 squirrels romping and….

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High…and now… Blue Norther

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Recipe for Rotten Apple Pie:

            Sound bad? Well I’m sure it is – I wouldn't eat it and wouldn't advise you to, but it smells great. What you do is gather up all the apples from under the tree that didn't make the grade; get about a 1/2 of a pickup load, dump them onto a good-sized brush pile, toss on a half pound of cinnamon, and apply a match. When that fire gets going good and hot you will fill the neighborhood with the smell of hot apple pie – mmmm…mmm!

* * * * * *

            I love raisins and have ever since I learned that they were edible. For a long time my brother, Fidel (a tyrant and a dictator) and a cousin (one of Fidel’s henchmen) made me believe that raisins were goat poop so that he and Fidel could have all of them.  

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High…and now… Blue Norther

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Going out in Style:

            Have you ever thought about what you would like to be doing when you die? I know that everyone has a different thought on that subject; some would like to be in a church, in a bar, in the arms of a loved one, or even doing something wildly exciting. I've always thought it would be nice to be telling someone a story…. the biggest load of bull hockey imaginable and watching them breaking up with laughter and splitting their gizzard with giggles. I know that’s a bit unorthodox, but I've been pretty much that way most of my life. I believe that God has a sense of humor. After all on the sixth day of creation, just before He rested…. He sent in the clowns. 

What I’m likely to be doing, when I’m not blogging, golfing, or working on a book.

American Wigeon... (aka Bald Pate), 11x14 in, acrylic on board, ... sold. 

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High…and now… Blue Norther

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

It’s Only a Matter of Time:

We have 3 digital clocks in the kitchen; 2 green ones on the microwave and the range (one above the other), and directly across the room a blue one on the coffee maker. I synchronized the green ones but could never get the blue one set at the same time. My grandson, Luke the inquisitive, seeker of knowledge, and student of the universe asked me why the blue clock had a different time (1 min fast). I told him that the blue clock was the boss clock and that the green clocks were so stupid that the blue one had to run fast to show the others what came next. He just gave his grandmother a sympathetic smile.

Did you Know?

            Did you know that in Old English (11 – 14 th century) that the word “girl” was a term that was used for a child of either sex? No one knows when the word “boy” came along. That should give the feminists some fodder. Old English was the tongue spoken by the common folk; the hoi polloi and government officials spoke only French. Even back then people didn’t know what the government was saying.  

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High…and now… Blue Norther

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

(Buy more books... I'd like to get a Porsche)
 

It’s what you don’t see that counts:

I ran into a fella I know standing in front of a movie poster at the old Rialto Theater. He was admiring the image of a beautiful and voluptuous young starlet. “Bob,” I said, “you wouldn’t know what to do with a woman like that.”

“Sure I would.” He replied. “I’d take her to the best dress maker in town, and I get her all decked out in the very latest fashion. And when it was all done, she’d be dressed to the nines in the most beautiful clothing made from the very finest Saran Wrap.”

I had underestimated old Bob. 

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High…and now… Blue Norther

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Status for the Snooty

            As a youngster the only people I ever heard talk about sinuses were those of the well off upper-middle class. It seemed that they were always whining about something and sinuses were always among the mix. When we had those problems it was just that our noses were backing up into our brains and if we didn’t get it fixed soon we would go all mush headed. Well you can imagine my delight when my doctor (Dr. Feelgood) told me that I had a sinus problem. I had finally reached the upper-middle class and went right out and ordered a Porsche – The lovely Avon cancelled the order. 

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High…and now… Blue Norther

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

My Good Friend Howard:

I want to tell you about a good friend of mine, Howard DePisser. Howard is a very large boarder collie/great Pyrenees who lives next door. Howard has 2 jobs, both of which he performs with extreme diligence. His primary job is protection and he does this by marking every single object in the 3-acre yard. He goes about 10 feet between objects, stops, and puts his signature on something. Howard’s other job is less strenuous – he sleeps. Howard is one of the best sleepers around; sometimes he will sleep between markings. Howie is not a young dog and sleeping is therapeutic it helps keep him fit for his other job. It dawned on me the other day why he stops to make his markings so often, and that is so he can take a break from walking the grounds to rest up for his naps.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High…and now… Blue Norther

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

      I hate those things:         

In the fall of the year, it seems that spiders like to go spinning those really long webs everywhere. As I move around the place, I keep running into them. Usually, I start some ferocious fussing, cussing, and face wiping, trying to get them off of me. I came into the house one day, just fuming about them and Avon said, “Why don’t you just knock them down?” And I told, “That’s what I've been doing…. I’m knocking them down with my face!” 

My latest book, BLUE NORTHER, went live on Amazon Kindle over night. and is now available at $0.99. This is the 4th in the Ben Blue series and my 6th overall. I seem to like my job.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High…and now… Blue Norther

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Cute little wild things:

Living out here in the forest I encounter a good number of wild critters, for instance yesterday the biggest doe I had ever seen ran through the yard. A deer is one thing and birds are another thing, but squirrels were invented by some evil spirit to give me grief. They are arrogant, sassy, and destructive. They must breed 22 times a year, and that would put a rabbit to shame. A squirrel is naturally a vegetarian, but like most vegans, they will cheat when no one is looking and eat something else like baby birds, wiring insulation, a few years ago one tried to eat my truck.

So I declared myself to be in a state of all out war with tree rats. I call it Squirrel War I. Now I sit on my deck with a loaded pellet gun hoping that they will come within range. The other evening after dinner, I picked up my weapon and my half finished beer and took up my position. It occurred to me that I had gone completely hillbilly with a gun in one hand and a beer in the other. It also occurred to me that I had the gun in my left hand, and I couldn't shoot left-handed. I was in a panic until I realized that I could however easily drink beer left-handed – just another one of those upper echelon decisions that have to be made in times of crisis.

Watch for it... Maybe tomorrow on Kindle

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High…coming soon… Blue Norther

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Red Headed Kids:

            There is something about a little girl with red hair that is so cute you just want to pick her up and squeeze her.

            There is something about a little boy with red hair that is so full of meanness and orneriness that it makes you want to go cut a switch and tan his hide.

           * * * * *

Birth control is a good thing to know about, but I’m sure glad my parents didn't.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High…coming soon… Blue Norther

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

On the Links

A wonderful thing happened the other day on the golf course. You need to know that there are 2 things I’m not beyond doing. One is using creative math on a scorecard and the other is picking up a lost ball. Well I picked up a lost yellow ball and put it into my bag; I later cleaned it off and found it to be… are you ready for this… a Sponge Bob Golf Ball! I love Sponge Bob and truly believe that he was my son Chris’s twin brother, and that the hospital people kept him from us because they knew I would show him favoritism.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High…coming soon… Blue Norther

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

The Truth is Out:

The ever young and lovely Avon, my wife of 48 years, is a person with a cross to bear, and it is me. Just last week someone was making a comment about something I had written and she wasn’t aware of it. The truth came out that she never reads this thing. Her (sort of) exact words were, “I have to listen to him night and day. I’m not going to spend my time reading him too. I’d just as soon have a root canal.” When I heard those words my heart leaped – that means I can say whatever I like about her without fear of consequences, unless of course one of you blabs.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High…coming soon… Blue Norther

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Health and Safety:

One of the most aggravating things about the ageing process is that your skin gets so thin that it cuts and bruises almost without provocation. And it happens so often that you don’t even take the most basic care of it. The other day I was working in the garage when I scraped my arm and of course here came the blood. Not even thinking about bacteria I grabbed the handiest greasy rag to staunch it. After doing so I thought what would Avon say if she knew or what would my nurse neighbor say about that? Giving those questions a little thought I decided that they weren’t going to say anything because they weren’t going to know about it. I would just wait in the garage until the bleeding stopped and then who would be the wiser. But the little niggling question about germs was still there, so I looked for a cleaner greasy rag. Finding none I thought about using sawdust – that should be clean. Then there on a shelf was my answer; a paint rag! No germ could stand up to turpentine. When I stopped jumping around and blowing on my arm I decided that I needed a little first aid kit for the garage.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High…coming soon… Blue Norther

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

From the kitchen window:

In the fall of year the hummingbirds are trying to fatten up for the trip to Central America. They have to fly across 500 miles of open water non-stop, which is good because there is no place to stop. Anyway they get really aggressive and possessive at the sugar water feeders. There is usually one who guards it and fights the rest. Sometimes it is almost like a dance without music and sometimes they will buzz each other with intent to do real harm. Four females have run off the little male who used to feed there, several weeks ago. So when I see them starting their maneuvers I yell, “GIRL FIGHT!” and run to the kitchen window. They are really awesome, now if I could only get them to do that in some mud or tapioca pudding I could sell tickets. 

What I do when I'm not blogging or working on a book.

In Hot Pursuit  16 x 20 Acrylic on board

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High…coming soon… Blue Norther

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Has this ever happened to you?

            Have you ever been walking along minding your own business and come to the top of a hill where you pause to take a deep breath… and inhale a bug? And as you are choking, gagging, and trying to get that thing out of there you keep wondering what kind of bug it is. It doesn’t matter…. it’s a bug.

            Have you ever been using a string trimmer in your yard and hit a pile of dog poo, which of course splatters you?  Your first thought is @*??^?##! That is quickly followed by whose dog did that, which is quickly followed by @*??^?## again….. always trust your first instinct. 

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High…coming soon… Blue Norther

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Another thing that makes me smile:

            I love big greasy hamburgers; so big that they would hang out beyond the oversized bun. I used to get burgers like that at a drive-in in Belleville, IL known only as “20 th Street”. They were fried on a grill with the bun singed and greasy, and absolutely no concern about what it was doing to arteries or anything else. 2 slices of cheese were standard whether you asked for them or not. Your only option was the onions, so if you were with a date you could order without – they were sensitive to young love. Ask for lettuce and tomato they would say, “Ya wanna salad? Go to a restaurant.” It was also a great place to sober up before going home.

I was asked by a friend, why I price my books so low...$ 0.99. I told him that was in case I wanted to read one, I could generally afford a buck.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High…coming soon… Blue Norther

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

A gold mine of an idea:

            I’m terribly sorry that my back-pocket ballpoint idea was such a flop, and that several of you lost your life’s savings on the investment, but I have gone back to the drawing board for yet another stroke of genius. My plan is to Freeze Dry water and put it into capsule form. Imagine, not having to carry around those plastic bottles of water. When you need a drink drop the capsule into a container and just add water… voilla! How simple is that? 

Now, I’m talking about some real investment opportunities here, folks. A couple hundred thou’ could get you in on the ground floor. This thing will make ZILLIONS!

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High…coming soon… Blue Norther

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Don’t Sit Under the Apple Tree:

            At least don’t sit under my apple tree. Not unless you have plenty of mosquito repellent and some netting, you will also need a club to fight off the ants. About 17 or 18 years ago, the lovely Avon brought home a stick with a few leaves and a root ball attached at their respective ends, and proudly proclaimed it to be an apple tree. She told me the name of the apples and then we each promptly forgot what it was – I just called it Bob the apple tree. The first few years it did nothing and then it started to produce apples, which because they were un-sprayed and un-cared for were spotted, wormy, and buggy – uh organic? I gave the apples to our wonder horse Red the un-ridable demon mustang. He would snort at me as if to say, “I’ll take your spotty apples, eat your hay, poop in your field, but if you get out that saddle I am going to try and kill you." He meant it.

            A few years back our daughter in law’s father picked and ate one of the spotted greenish reddish things and proclaimed it GOOD! Our neighbors verified that they were GOOD! In 15 years we had never eaten any – not one. I picked one and carefully cut out the spots and sure enough those things were fantastic. The tree has always been loaded and now we are eating apples, making applesauce, drying apples, and baking some things with apples. 

            The moral of this story is that many a fine treat has been left to rot on the ground because we were afraid to eat a worm.

Life is good.... I'm for continuing it.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High…coming soon… Blue Norther

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Did You Know:

Did you know that in the wild most of the higher levels in the animal kingdom either mate for life or have their own unique breeding system to assure the survival of the best genes? There are animal harems led only by the best bull, the alpha male and female system, and of course the one male to one female for life system. Female elephants will often choose their first few son-in-laws because those teenage girls are hormone driven and don’t know what the hell they are doing. But the darling little humming birds have their own way of doing things. Boys will be boys and will go for what they can get. The girls on the other hand are just plain naughty bordering on wanton. Those little princesses have the attitude that if one is good then two or three would be great. The DNA mix in a clutch of eggs must be like a Chinese puzzle.

You’re going to learn some things from this blog, which will be of absolutely no value to you – welcome to my world.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – and now… Ace High

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts