I love ham. Ham in any shape, form, or fashion gets 2 thumbs up from me. The only fly in my ham loving ointment is that in my early years I lived on a farm (more cotton than critters), and I can’t quite forget where ham comes from.

            The easiest way to be identified as a fool is to say or do stupid things. …. What? Okay, so some of these aren’t jewels, but they are true aren’t they? Try this one thenThe surest way to show the world that your candle has a dim glow is to try and pass yourself off as a lighthouse.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High…and now… Blue Norther

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

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Product Labeling:

            Sometimes I really wonder where they come up with some of he nomenclatures they use to describe products. For instance what is Extra Virgin Olive Oil? I had always thought virgin was virgin, or does that depict an olive still hanging on the tree who hasn’t even thought about it?

Seasonal Sounds;

I’ve noticed that as the weather is gets colder and as my creaky old joints start to get creakier, they still seem to work, but they make a lot more noise. In the summer I can move around like a cat burglar, but in the winter I couldn’t sneak up on a dead horse.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High…and now… Blue Norther

A Tree is a Tree is a Tree:

            I play golf every Wednesday with the same bunch of scoundrels, and I can deal with their superstitions, their foibles and their flaws. But I have trouble dealing with their lack of flora knowledge. I’m no expert in tree identification but I know the difference between an oak and an elm, and I can spot a dawn redwood or a weeping Cyprus. But these guys only know two trees. They can tell the difference (sometimes) between a conifer and a deciduous, especially in the fall. An evergreen is known as a cedar and one with leaves is known as an oak. I finally quit asking where my ball went because every time I would get the same answer, “It’s over there behind that cedar.”  

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High…and now… Blue Norther

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Another (True) Boot Heel Tale:

            While I was attending SEMO State College, I worked in a town south of there as a …. cab driver. This town didn’t have a large population, but it had 2 cab companies, and I drove folks around from 6 pm to 6 am on Friday and Saturday nights… a job from the depths of hell. About 2 am one night, I picked up a fare at the jail… a very large and very intoxicated lady, who parked herself in the major half of the front seat (nobody ever rode in the back seat). She wanted a cigarette, but I didn’t have her brand, so she pulled out a really big knife and said she would do some unspeakable if not unimaginable things to me if I didn’t get her a Winston. Of course, nothing was open at that time, so I told her I’d get some at the cab station. When I got there, I told the dispatcher to call the cops. They came, they beat here around a bit, and then they hauled her off back to jail, and I had to go and make a complaint.

            My boss was furious, not at her, but at me because he had to call in another driver, since I was wasting my time filling out reports at the police station. He told me, “If you ever have something like that again, you shoot ‘em drive ‘em out of town, dump ‘em in a ditch, and get back to work….no one will be the wiser.” Then he gave me a little snub nosed pistol to carry, and I realized that he wasn’t kidding. I carried that gun for about a year, but I never shot anybody… that I’ll admit to.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High…and now… Blue Norther

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

The Missouri Boot Heel:

            If you’re not familiar with it, I’m talking about that little piece of the Show Me state along the Mississippi River that extends down into Arkansas, for no apparent reason. Folks grow 2 things there; cotton and kids, and they grow a lot of each. I suspect the cotton has more value than the youngsters because they spend more time tending the cotton than the kids. Furthermore, kids are easier to get new ones started if the crop doesn’t turn out so good.

            If you think I’m boot heel bashing, you’re right, but I have a right to, since I was born there, started school there, and went back there for college. That sentence alone should give you some idea of my overall intelligence.

I received an email the other day from a former friend which stated:

The US Congress has voted to return the Missouri boot heel to Arkansas. The reason for this unprecedented move was because it will increase the IQ averages of both states by at least 40%.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High…and now… Blue Norther

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

I played golf yesterday and had a nightmare front nine...54, but things turned around dramatically on the back nine. I came in with a 42.  No I didn't have my personal swing coach out there with me on the back. I just learned a simple easy fix...I kept score on the back nine.
A golf card isn't specifically spelled out under the the 10 Commandments.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High…and now… Blue Norther

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

You never outgrow your need to read.... and besides, I could use the money.

            A fella was complaining to me the other day that since he had gotten older he became rattled a lot easier. I told him that he had lost so many brain cells in the 60s and 70s that his skull was like an empty coffee can with a ball bearing in it, and it was naturally going to rattle. He probably won’t ever become a really good friend.

~~~~

I have never understood the term Finger Food. What does that mean? Is it a food that a football quarterback might eat to give him strong ball gripping fingers? Or do our fingers have secret lives of their own and get up in the middle of the night to raid the fridge?          

What I’m likely to be doing, when I’m not blogging, golfing, or working on a book.

Sunday Morning Repentant, Acrylic on board,  14 x 11... Not painted from real life (well, maybe from memory)

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High…and now… Blue Norther

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Call it what you may:

Did you ever notice how that room in your house has had many names throughout the years. You know, that room with the stuffed furniture, coffee table, and TV in it. I was always in awe of folks who called it a parlor or drawing room (they had to be upper crust). Then along came the middle class who called it the living room or front room. When I was a kid we called it that room with the stuffed furniture, coffee table, and radio in it, and we weren’t allowed in it unless supervised by a responsible adult.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High…and now… Blue Norther

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

* * * * * *

“I’m going to whale the tar out of you!” That’s something I heard for years as a kid, and it usually sent me running for cover. I knew what it implied, but had no idea where it originated. It seems that baleen, the strong flexible filtering rods from a Right Whale’s upper jaw, which was used for corset stays and umbrella rods was also used for horsewhips. So to be whaled was to be horsewhipped. He used a belt….. The Old Man just couldn’t get anything right.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High…and now… Blue Norther

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

I’m not sure I wrote this. I don’t remember writing it, but it was in my computer where I store thing I write. I sounded like me, but I just don’t remember. If I didn’t, I wish I had, but I’ll not claim it.

What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said ”nothing”. The reason I said that instead of saying “just thinking” is because she would have said about what”. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions. Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the jewels. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the precious package is infinitely more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion:
         A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you’d never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.  Time for another beer.


While we're in the gonadal mind frame: 
While talking to a friend the other day, who is very much a political conservative, he was ranting about someone who was "A left wing radical nut".
I said, "Oh, you mean he's a Lefticle." My friend got a big kick out of that, but I wonder if he knows what that makes him?

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High…and now… Blue Norther

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

A few years ago, I was driving on a 4 lane divided highway, when I got a little close to the right edge of the pavement. I noticed that the car behind me did the same thing. I did it again at another time and the same thing happened again. So I started watching, and I found that it happened quite regularly. Then I tried going toward the left side of my lane and the car behind did it again.
This started me thinking, that if I could get a string of cars all spaced out, I could create a huge wiggly car snake on an Interstate Highway, or maybe I could even play crack the whip at 70 miles an hour... the last guy in line may have a problem.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High…and now… Blue Norther

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

 

The lovely Avon often refers to me as a dinosaur because I believe that a telephone should be somehow connected to a plug in the wall. It took me years before I ever got on the Internet and about the only things I buy on line are from Amazon, which is only because they sell my stuff on line. I guess she is right because yesterday I repaired an audiotape cassette. Took it apart, spliced the broken ends, rewound it, rethreaded it, and put the whole mess back together. It didn’t occur to me that I didn’t have anything to play it on. Be that as it may, try doing that with your fancy CDs and smart phones…. Tyrannosaurs-Louie?

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High…and now… Blue Norther

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Random Observations:

New Orleans is one of my favorite places to visit in the colder months, but I would never live there because it is a city that was never meant to exist. There are 3 words that describe why I feel that way, and they are “Below Sea Level” It doesn’t make much sense to build a city anywhere below sea level; you can’t look out over anything and when leave town you’re always going uphill. But to build one next to an ocean is just plain not smart. The Gulf of Mexico has been a storm nursery since forever - that’s not a new thing. If I were in charge of the Big Easy I would simply move Bourbon Street to Indianapolis, Jackson Square to Kansas City (they can use the culture), and the Super Dome to Powe, Mo so that it could be an entire town completely under one roof, and then just walk away from the rest of it.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High…and now… Blue Norther

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Kids defy explanation:

            We have all seen instances where a kid will ignore the gift to play with the box it came in, well… I have to go one farther. The 2 little girls across the road ages 9 and 10 were given a really nice playhouse by their parents, Napoleon and Josephine Biggs. It is at least 10’ x 12’ with a peaked and shingled roof, a front porch, and several windows. It’s a very well made and well finished structure. I can’t even estimate the cost.  They have had it almost a year now and have been in it maybe 3 times. This morning I noticed they were playing in a lean-to built around one of the trees made from cardboard, foam insulation, and a blanket. Go figger!

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High…and now… Blue Norther

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Sometimes you Gotta Walk Tall:    

Well, well, well, it seems that some of you blabbed and the lovely Avon has chosen to read my blog. Now I have to make the decision as to whether to go ahead have fun and face the consequences, or wimp out, pussy foot around, and live longer. I think hillbilly singer Faron Young. said it best in a song (circa 1949), which went, “I’m gonna live fast, love hard, die young, and leave a beautiful memory”. The memory may not be all that great, and dying young is out of the question, but I’m taking my chances.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High…and now… Blue Norther

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Another true story:

            One Thursday evening (1960) the 4 amigos Bob, Bobby, Robert and yours truly took it into our heads to go to Terra Haut, Indiana for some cherry pie. The only thing wrong with that idea was we lived in Southern Illinois – the western part. Terra Haut was about 150 miles away. We went anyway, but the pie place was closed when we got there. Fortunately the bar next to it was open so we went in to see if they had any pie. As I remember they couldn’t find any, but we stayed there a long time while they looked. About closing time they concluded that they didn’t have any so we left feeling mighty blue and low except for Bobby and Robert who were in fine spirits. Robert was feeling so fine that we had to carry him to the car and let him stretch out in the back seat.

            With Robert hogging the whole back seat (he was a big boy) it meant that the 3 of us would have to share the front seat. Bob drove because he wore glasses and we figured he could see the best. I was in the middle because I never stopped talking (even then), so I could keep Tom awake. Bobby took the window because he was only slightly better off than Robert and might get sick. On through the night we went, with me talking, Robert snoring, Bob staring at the dark, and Bobby making some God-awful noises.

About daybreak we were nearing our home territory and Bobby had finally passed out half in the seat and half in the floor. When along the road came Mr. Jones, the bread truck driver and father of a friend of ours. As we passed and waved he gave us an unforgettable look of disbelief. We couldn’t figure what his problem was, until we realized that he could only see the two of us, and we were almost sitting on each other’s laps.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High…and now… Blue Norther

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

      The Morning Rush:

I’m always on the lookout for a better cup of coffee… the stronger the better. In the past decade (what I call the Starbuck’s Decade), the whole idea of coffee has changed dramatically. No longer is the morning cuppa Joe merely a 12 volt battery for your nervous system and a kick starter to your day, it’s become a morning ritual with a cacophony of flavors. After a few experimental sips of this or that blend and additive, I’ve gone back to thick black and bitter as my mainstay.

I’ve reverted to the old tried and true method of making “Cowboy Coffee or Campfire Coffee” with one slight alteration. Instead of a percolator use a pot with coffee dumped in by the tried and true method of measure… the hand full. Boil the hell out of it with a pinch of salt to keep the acid down. When it has the consistency of driveway sealer, strain it through a pair of pantyhose and enjoy.

Ladies, it would be advisable to vacate the pantyhose before pouring the coffee through.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High…and now… Blue Norther

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

You never out grow your need to read.

Is It Only a Game?

My St. Louis Cardinals have been having a hard time in the late innings, coughing up the lead in the 8^th, 9th, and extra innings. It’s bad enough that they struggle to get ahead in the early innings and cling to a minimal lead only to see it slip away late. Naughty words seem find their way into my vocabulary, which are generally addressed at the umpires, but I know that’s not really the problem.

The problem is that our guys don’t have that killer instinct. They don’t have that mindset that pushes them on to finish the hated Cubs, Reds, or Mets off. The mindset that says “when you get them down, stomp on them.” It has gotten so bad that the first thing I do in the morning after a win is check with ESPN to make sure they didn't lose it in the locker room after the game.

The "Two Heads are Better than None"  series was a pilot project that crashed on take off.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High…and now… Blue Norther

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

When I Looked Death in the Eye and Saw that It Was Brown:

The names have been changed, but not to protect anyone because none of us were innocent. (A true story as best I can remember it.)

My first summer out of high school I was pretty cocky and full of myself, and so were my friends. We got in the habit of going to East St. Louis on a regular basis. There were a couple of Rhythm & Blues joints there where we could get in for a nominal fee, i.e. there was a $5 cover charge, but if you were smart enough to put 2 of them together you were considered smart enough to be 21. We went whenever we could afford it. You had to bring your own refreshments – so we did, but you could get high from the fumes that came off whatever was being passed around almost every table except ours of course.

One Saturday night when we left the Blue Note Club we decided to get something to eat at an all night B-B-Q place down the street. We had been there before during the daytime and never had any trouble. Anyway we were 4 bad assed white boys from up over the hill. We placed our order and were sitting at the counter… Bob, Bobby, Robert, and me. The rest of the place was empty except for a couple of workers and their guests in the back and the boss at the cash register. Passing the time just looking around I checked out the workers and friends in the back and saw that they were checking us out as well. I saw one cook running his thumb over his knife, which was about as long as a Samarra sword, reading his lips I saw him say, “That white headed mother (something or other) is mine.” I was the only sun bleached fair-haired one in the place. Nudging Bob, I drew his attention to the back room. It took him a few seconds to get the drift, but he acted smoothly and with dispatch saying to the cash register man, “Could we get those sandwiches to go?” The man said,” Good idea!”

We got em and we did go, in fact we went so fast we broke the sound barrier getting our bad assed little white boy selves back up and over that hill.

The two heads series was prepared all on one page for a Mad Magazine spread. It was part of several concepts I sent back in the 70s.. They sent them back. Mad was a hard nut to crack.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High…and now… Blue Norther

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What is a Cob?

            I have always heard the terms corncob and cobwebs. I have never been able to put the 2 together. Mr. Webster tells us that a cob is a lump and a web is a net made of very thin thread by a poisoness spider. One of the nicest people I have ever known was born a Cobb; I can say for certain that she is neither a lump nor a spider. I believe she could give you a lump or two if you got on her wrong side, but I doubt that you would die if she bit you.

In the Far Distant Future:

Imaging that the year was 2508 and a team of archeologist was digging up the remains of Springfield, Missouri: specifically the pond area on the old Syler’s Golf Course. Think of the excitement when they found what must have been a communal brooding area of a highly intelligent species of reptile. They were so far advanced that they marked and labeled their eggs for identification. The scholars would marvel over eggs with markings that read Titelist 3, Callaway 2, Nike 4, and Top Flite 1.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High…and now… Blue Norther

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

And yet Another True Story:  (Those who have read my book A Fine Kettle of Fish will find this familiar.)

            Many years ago a good friend, whom I’ll call Bob, from long ago and I took a road trip. We took off for Centralia, Illinois in my lime green 49 Ford coupe on a summer evening. There was a big party going on, Centralia was only 50 miles away, and a lot of the guys and girls we knew were going. To make a long story short the party was in a honky-tonk dive and a real bust. We met up with a couple of girls (whose names I have contemptuously forgotten) who were looking for a ride back to town – done deal. Somewhere along the Oakaw River bottoms we ran out of gas – how convenient can it get? But we really were out of gas.

            Since poor old Bob was driving at the time he had to go for gas (road trip rule #77) while I stayed to protect the girls – he-he-he. After watching Bob disappear into the darkness the girls told me they were scared and that I should get a tire tool or something out of the trunk – which I did. When I opened the trunk they locked the doors; it dawned on me what they were scared of. No amount of begging, whining, or promising could get those doors opened. I told them that it was cold (80 degrees) and that I would freeze to death; one of them said something about a fate worse than death.

Meanwhile Bob was having some problems of his own; a couple picked picked him up and when he piled into the back seat he found it full of guns. The man turned around and said, “Don’t worry about those they’re not loaded… but this one is.” And he stuck a cannon under Bob’s nose. I’ll wager that my friend was real close to having an accident about then. It seems that there had been some break-ins in some of the fishing cabins in the area and these folks were cleaning theirs out. They took Bob to a station, got the owner to open up, and brought him back safe and sound. He received a hero’s welcome from the girls and I was allowed back into my own car. I have lived happily ever after, I’m pretty sure Bob has as well, and I really don’t give a rip about the happiness or everafterness of those two heartless and selfish girls.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High…and now… Blue Norther

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts