Face Flex:

          The other day Avon looked at me and asked me what was wrong.  “Nothing.” I said. Of course, she wasn’t buying any of that, so she kept after me trying to get an answer. My answer remained the same, “Nothing.” How many times over the past 49 years and 357 days had the shoe been on the other foot and I would hear, “Nothing.” Sweet revenge – I loved it.

          Actually, there was nothing wrong. She had just caught me practicing my scowl; I use it so seldom that I forget how to do it.

Truths:

Miscellaneous: A smile is something everybody everywhere does in the same language.     Wooden Ships by Crosby, Stills & Nash

“Life is much too important to be taken seriously.”

Famous quote by Lou Bradshaw

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – Rubio –  Cain…just Cain…. and coming soon…Spirit Valley

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw

How to speak Missouri:

          First of all, you have to be able to pronounce it. Missouri is pronounced just like it is spelled, with an i at the end not an a. There seems to be one small town in the center of the state that pronounces it with an a, and it has infected many people from other states. Missouri is a very difficult dialect and must be taken in small doses. So we will start with the English word “you” and explore the various forms of it. If we divide the state into 4 geographic units we can explore the differences.

North of the Missouri River: You (singular) You (plural) Yours (possessive) just like regular English – a most uninteresting part of the state.

St. Louis & Kansas City:  You (singular) Youse (2 people) Youse Guys (more than 2people) Yourses (singular possessive) Yourse Guyses (plural possessive).

South of the Missouri River: You  (singular) You-uns (2 people - pronounced yuns) You-unes (more than 2 people) Yournses (singular or plural possessive)

Boot Heel: You-un (singular - pronounced U.N.) You-uns You-all (2 people – you-all is pronounced as 2 words) You-allses (possessive). There is no word for more than 2 people since few Boot Heelers can count that far.

          The difficulty with Missouri’s Dialects, or Mo-talk, stems from the fact that most of our ancestors immigrated from Kentucky, Tennessee, and Georgia. Those people haven’t spoken English for several centuries.

          While putting this piece together, my computer fought me on every word. It got so frustrated that I got an email from Bill Gates threatening to have me committed if I didn’t stop the insanity. In other words, Missouri words were driving Microsoft Word bonkers.

“Life is much too important to be taken seriously.”

Famous quote by Lou Bradshaw

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – Rubio –  Cain…just Cain…. and coming soon…Spirit Valley

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw

Doctor Love: This letter is from Janice in Atlanta:

          Dear Dr. Love, My husband is 30 years older than me and is a very successful businessman. I live in the lap of luxury with servants, jewels, and exclusive memberships. He works long into the night and sometimes he comes home smelling of cheap perfume and gin. I have also found feminine garments in his car. Should I leave him?

          Dear Janice: So, you’re married to an old, hard working, sneak drinking, cross dresser, with poor taste in after-shave, who is extremely generous. I don’t understand your problem, lady. 

And I did it my way:

          A friend saw me doing something not particularly  smart one day and said, “I never thought I would ever see you doing something like that.” I thought – Just stick around, my friend, you’ll be able to write a book. 

“Life is much too important to be taken seriously.”

Famous quote by Lou Bradshaw

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – Rubio –  Cain…just Cain…. and coming soon…Spirit Valley

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw

Physically pitiful:

          When our new community center opened, Avon was quick to sign us up for membership, which meant the dreaded gym. So with gym bag in hand and a gun pointed at my head, I went. I even took on a personal trainer. Her name is Fi-Fi LaTorso, which is French for “Oooo-La-La.” I wanted to come an hour later one day and she said she couldn’t switch because her next client was a very important Texas oil billionaire who flew in from Dallas for each appointment, and he needed a lot of help. As I was leaving I bumped into Uncle Ed grinning like a moron, wearing his high school gym shorts, a 10 gallon hat, and cowboy boots.

“Life is much too important to be taken seriously.”

Famous quote by Lou Bradshaw

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – Rubio –  Cain…just Cain…. and coming soon…Spirit Valley

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw

Therapy

               I don’t really need a shrink, but he’s a nice guy and I’ve convinced him that I’m a loony. So he told me that I needed to get in touch with my feminine side… I didn’t know I had one, but he seemed to think it was an important thing to do. So I obliged him and did some pondering on it. The next session I went back and told him that I had done it and had come to a greater understanding of the female of our species. He thought that was marvelous, he felt I was making real progress.

I told him my conclusion was that I really liked women a lot and that they were my favorite opposite sex. I hate to see a grown man weep, so I dried his tears and told him I’d give it another try.  He said I should try to think like a woman… is that really possible?

So I came back the following week and told him that I’d made a breakthrough and found that I really liked shoes. He got really excited and asked me to tell him all about my shoe collection.

“Well,” I said, “I’ve got three pair… I have dress shoes, golf shoes, and an 8 year old pair of Reeboks.” I’ve got to start bringing a big box of Kleenex to those sessions.

“Life is much too important to be taken seriously.”

Famous quote by Lou Bradshaw

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – Rubio –  Cain…just Cain…. and coming soon…Spirit Valley

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw

Old Ironsides

               The lovely Avon and I took a little ride up to Boston some years ago, and of course we did all the tourist stuff and the walking history lesson. One of the things we most wanted to see was Old Ironsides..aka… the USS Constitution at the Boston Navy Yard. Those heavy oak timbers would bounce the British cannon balls off like they were made of iron… hence the nickname. We just arrived and were headed for rest rooms, when a loaded tour bus from some VFW chapter in Indiana rolled in

               There wasn’t a soul on board less than 80 years old of either gender. But watching those old gals scamper for the rest rooms you’d have thought a herd of gazelles had burst out of those bus doors. The old guys were a bit slower and that meant the men’s room was taken over by the ladies, while the fellas lined up outside and grumbled…. Finally one of them said, “Oh hell! If they ain’t seen it by now, it’s high time they did.” And in they went, with me right in the middle of them.

               Those gals started yellin’ and using language their preachers had never heard. But they took off. When it came my turn, I realized that I was wearing a brand new pair of 501 Levis…button ups and stiff as a board. I couldn’t get them unbuttoned if my life depended on it… and it did. The old WW II Vets with their enlarged prostates behind me started grumbling and then yelling. I was sweating and wishing I was in Kentucky or Colorado, or Timbuktu. For all I knew those old boys were still packing their baronets. All I could do was get out of there and look for a gas station… or maybe the Ironsides had a working head…. It didn’t.... I suppose that's why they had a poop deck.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – Rubio   And now….Cain…just Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw

Opinion Survey:

          I got a questionnaire in the mail from the Oklahoma Highway Dept. wanting to know how I liked their rest areas. How would I know, I’ve never seen one. I’ve criss crossed the state many times and never found one operated by the state. McDonalds has some fairly functional ones on the turnpike, but none on the interstate. All I know is if you leave Okalahoma City without stopping, you had better be able to hold it until you reach Texas.

I was just wondering:

          Do you suppose Barack Obama has to go out on the front porch of the White House, and stand around with the tourists from Indiana, Tennessee, or Iowa to smoke a cigarette?  

Words of Wisdom:
        A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.    Mark Twain
                                                                                          

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – Rubio   And now….Cain…just Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw