The latest diet:

            I ran into an old friend the other day and couldn’t believe my eyes. He had lost at least 50 lbs. I asked him what he had done to make such a difference, and he replied, “I eat what I want and as much as I want, but I only swallow the salad.” Then he suggested that we do lunch. I suddenly found that I had a prior commitment.  

* * * * *

Mental exercise:

            Avon has been wanting us to learn a foreign language. I guess she thinks that if I could speak French I would be more sophisticated and sexier. There’s a fat chance of that happening. If I spoke French, I would just be the same old Lou, except that nobody would be able to understand me. I told her that the only foreign language I would consider was Gaelic. That way if we were ever invaded by Irish Celtic Oak tree loving Druids, I would be able to tell them to, “Get out of my tree and off my property – and besides… that’s a Hickory!” 

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – And  available Now – Rubio

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw

Bird love, unrequited:

            For the last couple of days a small flycatcher has been sitting in my apple tree calling for his sweetheart. All day long, he yells, “Phoebe! Phoebe!” but Phoebe doesn’t answer. I tried to tell him that yelling her name won’t get it done, and what he needs is soft music, flowers, and a fat bug or two, but he won’t shut up long enough to listen:

* * * * *

Are You Kidding Me?

            Have you ever noticed that when you tell someone something they will often say, “Oh really?” or “No kidding?” It’s as if they thought you were lying or making it up. Does that ever bother you? I’m never offended by it because most of the time I am making it up.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – And  available Now – Rubio

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Dear Doctor Love:

            Since the movie review segment, was such a roaring sleeper I have decided to try an advice to the lovelorn column. Our first letter just came in...

            Dear Doctor Love: I am a 93-year-old man who has been corresponding with a 22-year-old coed. She thinks I am an Arab oil Sheik and wants to meet with me. What should I do? 

DB, Syracuse, NY

            Dear DB: First, wrap a dishtowel around your head; next wrap a sheet around the rest of you. Most importantly, write, “Call 911” with a permanent marker on the palm of your hand. 

Dr. Love

Too many cooks:

            There is an old saying that goes, “Too many cooks spoil the broth.” The lovely Avon and I seem to have worked out that problem. We have each found our strengths and weaknesses, and now we can share the kitchen. I operate the can opener, and she operates the microwave. We are such gourmets.

Uncle Ed Update:

Uncle Ed is still undergoing therapy for a little bit of a mental disorder... He thinks he's a trained seal and has spent the last week balancing a beach ball on his nose. The doc says he's getting better and could be released by Monday. Yesterday, he did some finger painting, ate some Play Dough, and smoked 2 Crayolas before they took his matches.... Yep, I think he's almost back to normal.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – And  available Now – Rubio

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com 

In the time before enlightenment:

            Before there was Wal-Mart, Lowe’s, and Target there were few places where a person could get the things he needed at a somewhat reasonable prices. One of these places, I’ll call it Sears seemed to be the answer. They had everything, but everything I got from them was a real problem. Nothing ever went right. One evening, after working late I went to resolve a long standing fight to get a 15 cent part which had cost upwards of $15 so far in UPS charges alone. I demanded to see the store manager, not the department manager. I was shown to his office and found him to be very helpful, but nervous. When I returned to my truck I glanced in the mirror and found a 2-inch streak of bright blue across my cheekbone. I had been working with colored inks and paints all day. The movie “Brave Heart” had just been released and was a big hit. That manager must have thought me a crazed Scots highlander with kilt, tam, and 2 handed Claymore sword waiting outside.

            He called me the next day and said he had the part (only $5.99) and if I would give him my card number, I could pick it up. I grabbed a tube of blue paint and smeared it across my cheek, and told him to “Stuff it!” I haven’t been in one of those stores since.

Punctuation:

            For the last few months, I have been working on a project with an editor on the West Coast. She is a Chinese lady named Si Zboom Ba Schaefer (pronounced Shay-fur). She is a cruel and pitiless taskmistress with a passion for commas. This woman has never met a dot or dot with a tail that she didn’t like. Unfortunately, I have never met one that I had any idea as to where it was supposed to be, so I just let them find their own homes. In the last 60 days or so, I have started to get the idea. Now I find myself audibly saying comma, period, semi-colon, and question mark as part of my normal conversation. The strange looks I get don’t bother me (space) (dash) (space) I’ve been getting those all my life (period)

Uncle Ed is still in Shock Therapy... but will return soon.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – And  available Now – Rubio

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw

Things that make me smile:

I always smile at those little round turtles that race across my yard at about 2 miles per week. They never seem to get upset when you place an obstacle in their path; they will either go over it, around it, or just withdraw into their shells and wait it out. Best of all, when I pick one up and look it in the face it seems to smile and say, “Goood moorninng, Louuuu.”

* * * * *

Motivation:

            There used to be a popular phrase used by every preacher or motivational speaker who ever stood behind a podium. I’m sure you are all familiar with it and probably thought it clever the first 40 or 50 thousand times you heard or read it. It went, “Today is the first day of the rest of your life.” I always thought it would be more realistic to say, “Tomorrow might be a nice day to get started.” 

Uncle Ed is having technical difficulties this morning... Edna had taken down the mirror for cleaning and Ed thought he had become invisible.   The Electro Shock treatments seem to be helping.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – And  available Now – Rubio

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw 

Things that go bump in the night:

            When a young man in the 1950s and 60s got his first car, he was faced with three questions. He knew of course that it would need a lot of work. Did he work on the engine, did he work on the appearance, and how much could he afford? My first car was a ’49 Ford Coupe-Mistake and should have been in a museum. I called it the Roman Candle because when you started it up it would sizzle and pop before it took off. I analyzed the above questions and installed a pair of fuzzy dice.

            I was coming home much too late one night, and as I slowed on the curve to make a left turn down the hill toward home, I heard the semi behind me go Pfffff Pfffff as he hit his brakes hard (I must have forgotten to signal). As I started down the hill I spotted something coming after me hard and fast in the dark. I pushed it to the floor and the Ford went Ungh! Close to panic, I pulled off and out of the way of that…huge truck tire and wheel, which passed me like a rocket in the lane I had just vacated. I got out, looked up the hill, and saw something else coming after me, which turned out to be the truck driver. About the time he reached me that wheel ran off the road and slammed into the side of a house then took out some bushes on the bounce back. The driver huffed puffed and choked, “Are you okay?” I said I was, and he took off running back up toward his 17 wheeler. I wasn’t in any condition to stick around and answer a bunch of State Police questions at that hour. So re-lit the Roman Candle and got out of there. The Griffins who lived in that house must have thought the crazy Russians had finally let one fly.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – And  available Now – Rubio

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw

An old movie slip-up:

            I was watching Turner Classic Movies and the narrator was droning on and on down the list of stars in a particularly weak Beach Blanket movie. He ran through the barely notables and the obscure in great detail. Those movies always had a live band in it somewhere, and this one was no exception; it had the Chad Mitchell Trio. The Chad Mitchell Trio had a succession of about 4 different Chad Mitchell’s; one of which was a young John Denver. Sure enough, there was John Denver but with black-framed glasses and a slightly darker blond mop. It was nonetheless JD also known as John Deucenendorf. The not so well informed narrator had missed the diamond amid all the rhinestones.  

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – And  available Now – Rubio

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw