From the Editor: 

            Merry Christmas to all my friends and family. Are you surprised that I didn’t say Happy Holidays or Seasons Greetings? Those who know me well know that I really don’t give a huff about being politically correct. What they may not know is that I hold Christmas to be sacred, and there are very few things that I ever get serious about. No one has ever seen me use the shortcut “Xmas” or will they ever. If you are offended by my attitude then start your own blog. For my Jewish friends I shall wish you a happy Honokaa or Chanukah I’ve seen it spelled both ways. I don’t know any Muslim, and I only know one Buddhist – he doesn’t like me very much. I believe in Christmas and I believe in Santy Clause, after all I have been married to an elf for a long time. – Merry Christmas.

Lou

I’ll be taking a short winter break… See you back here January 2, 2015

Don't stop reading just because it's the Holidays... I've still got bills to pay.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

And  available Now –  One Man Standing

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Time will Tell:

We have 3 digital clocks in the kitchen; 2 green ones on the microwave and the range (one above the other), and directly across the room a blue one on the coffee maker. I synchronized the green ones but could never get the blue one set at the same time. My grandson, Luke the inquisitive; seeker of knowledge and student of the universe asked me why the blue clock had a different time (1 min fast). I told him that the blue clock was the boss clock and that the green clocks were so dumb that the blue one had to run fast to show the others what came next. He just gave his grandmother a sympathetic smile.

It’s a Fact, Jack:

            Did you know that in Old English (11 – 14 th century) that the word “girl” was a term that was used for a child of either sex? No one knows when the word “boy” came along. That should give the feminists some fodder. Old English was the tongue spoken by the common folk; the hoi polloi spoke only French. Even back then, the people didn’t know what the government was saying.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

And  available Now –  One Man Standing

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

A Texas Original:

            Over the weekend, we were at a function for a friend. What I didn’t know was my friend’s family was heavily into rodeo with riding, roping, and the other stuff. I looked at the shelf over the coat rack and saw about a dozen Stetsons lined up. I told the lovely Avon that maybe I should have worn a hat.

            That prompted our friend, across the table to tell a story about her father’s Stetson. It seems he and a group of colleagues were in Texas on business. And as they were getting ready to head back to St. Louis, her father wanted to stop and get a real Texas Stetson. So the group had to wait for him to stop and get one. She talked about how proud he was of that hat, and wore it around the house for days. She happened to pick it up and look inside where the label stated Stetson Hat Co. Made in St. Louis, Missouri.

She didn’t have the heart to tell him.  

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

And  available Now –  One Man Standing

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Sorry About That:

As many of you are painfully aware, one of the biggest problems of being a retired person, is the loss of the reality when it comes to calendar awareness. In other words we don't  have a clue what day it is. We go through our week from Sunday to Saturday, or we go from Thursday to Wednesday. It really doesn't register. That being said, I had no idea that today was Friday. Since I didn't have anything planned, I thought it was a Saturday or a Sunday. Therefore it was only a few minutes ago that I said to my self...Ooops, I didn't prepare a blog today.
But don't worry, you didn't miss anything.... It was all nonsense anyway.


See you Monday!

From the Mail bag:

            From a reader who signs himself as – “Name Withheld, sent this notice.    Warning.... the Surgeon General has stated that reading “Your Daily Dose of Nonsense” can bring on dementia and other mind altering symptoms. Lack of sleep, and a desire to support squirrel rescue centers… see your doctor before reading.”  He didn’t mention diarrhea and bloodshot eyes. (I know who he is and where he lives.)

PF-R writes that she also fondly remembers squirrel gravy that her daddy used to make, …..Whatever that was all about?

A Misconception:

            When I was just a cute little kid…well let’s just say when I was a little kid I didn’t always hear things the way they were said. For instance the Christmas carol Silent Night has a line that says “round yon virgin mother and child”. I heard it as “round John Virgin…” and kept wandering how a little fat guy fit into the Christmas story. He must have been a shepherd with a eating disorder.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

And  available Now –  One Man Standing

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Making It:

            As a youngster the only people I ever heard talk about sinuses were those of the well off upper-middle class. It seemed that they were always whining about something and sinuses were always among the mix. When we had those problems it was just that our noses were backing up into our brains and if we didn’t get it fixed soon we would go all mush headed. Well you can imagine my delight when my doctor (Dr. Feelgood) told me that I had a sinus problem. I had finally reached the upper-middle class and went right out and ordered a Porsche – Avon cancelled the order.

 Tricked:

            I love raisins and have ever since I learned that they were edible. For a long time my cousin Roy and my brother Fidel made me believe that raisins were goat poop, so that they could have all of them. .... Life ain't easy for the youngest kid.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

And  available Now –  One Man Standing

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Busted:

            I was standing around waiting for my wife to come out of a changing room in a clothing store, when I heard a woman mumbling to herself. She was standing in front of a full length mirror turning this way and that way.

 So being the curious sort that I am, I moved a little closer and took great interest in some sweaters. Blocking out everything else I was able to hear her say, “If it isn’t wrinkled, it’s sagging… If it isn’t sagging, it’s dragging… If it isn’t dragging, it’s bulging … If it isn’t bulging, it’s baggy… If it isn’t baggy, it’s splotchy.” Then she turned directly to me and said, “And I’m not talking about the clothes… Bub!

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

And  available Now –  One Man Standing

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

An inspirational moment:

            Some years back, we were at a hot springs spa just outside of Durango, CO. It was a chilly night at a high altitude, so we were staying in the hot water as long as we could. I got out and wrapped up in as many towels as I could find and sat on a lounge chair. A young girl with Downs Syndrome came walking toward me mumbling something. As she got closer I could tell that she was singing, and as she past I heard for the first time what was soon to become a very popular tune, “Don’t Worry – Be Happy.” Even after the radio stations played that song to death, I still loved hearing it.

A Nose is a Nose is a Nose…

Once when I was about 8 or 9 I came down with a really rotten head cold. I was sniffing, snuffing, hacking, coughing, and snorting along with sleeve wiping and a bunch of other disgusting things. My older brother (2 years) whom we shall call Fidel because he was tyrant and a dictator said to me, “You’ll never get a girl to like you if you keep doing that.” I considered that good advice, and not long after that a girl in my class told me that she had a crush on me, so I snorted at her – it worked! 

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

And  available Now –  One Man Standing

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Time and distance:

            An old and slightly insane friend of mine, Jake from State Farm, asked me, “How long is forever?” I’ve been noodling that question over for about 3 months now and still have no answer – just more questions. I know it is at least 3 months. My human brain tells me that all things have limits, but higher thinking says it isn’t so. Unfortunately, I don’t belong to that higher thinking category – any takers to this challenge. I fixed my lunatic friend by telling him that infinity was on the other side of the orange. So far, he has gone through several sacks of oranges and the only thing he has gotten was a lot of vitamin C.  

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

And  available Now –  One Man Standing

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Coffee anyone?

            As I was getting up to go do something, which I had already forgotten, the lovely Avon asked me to bring her a cup of coffee. I’ve been fixing her coffee for so long she doesn’t even know how she takes it. I said I would and left. I walked right through the kitchen and went to the garage hoping to remember my mission better out there. I didn’t. After about 20 minutes of messing with stuff, I went back in, stopped in the kitchen, got her coffee, and went on to the family room. When I got there, she hadn’t noticed that I had been gone and said it was thoughtful of me to get her a cup of coffee… And I was counting on her to take care of me.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

And  available Now –  One Man Standing

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Executive privileges:

            Smoking has been banned in almost all public buildings nationwide by each state. Now, I can only suppose that it is also banned in all federal buildings. With that in mind and the known fact that our president is a heavy smoker, does that mean he has to go out on the front porch of the White House to have a smoke? I can’t imagine him standing there next to the door with one of those butt thingies by his side, but it must be so because rules are rules.  

Truths:

Life:  Saving time is a noble thing, but you must invest it wisely. If it’s wasted – it’s gone forever.

Intelligence: I suffer the dim-witted and slow minded kindly, but anyone with a good mind and poor use of it gets my contempt.     LB

  

                                                

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

And  available Now –  One Man Standing

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Miss Muffit 2014:

This adaptation of the well-known children’s nursery rhyme was triggered by a back porch story told to me by St. Louis’s own Dr. Ed.

            Little Miss Muffit sat at a buffet

            Scarfing down tray after tray

            Along came Prince Charming

            But the sight was alarming

            So the prince was up and away. (Life ain’t easy for a girl named Muffit)

Don’t you hate that?

            Don’t you hate it when you are trying to save something on your computer or trying to open a file, and you get a message that you do not have access to that file and to contact your administrator for permission? It makes me want to yell at the smart Alec in all upper case, “YOU #@&*! MACHINE! I CREATED THAT FILE AND I AM THE ADMINISTRATOR!!!” Actually, I have done that and it doesn’t work.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

And  available Now –  One Man Standing

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Size really does matter:

          The lovely Avon wanted a large painting as part of her Christmas décor. I was commissioned for the task mostly because I work cheap. I had a large frame and decided to make the painting fit the frame (first mistake). This thing has turned out to be over 4 times the size I normally work. A painting goes through alternating stages of “it’s gonna be okay” and “I hate it”. So far the “I hate its” are winning, but I can’t give up and Christmas is getting closer. There is so much canvas to cover that I’m running out of paint and my brushes are all too small. I’m considering changing the theme to a full-blown blizzard scene with one lost red nosed reindeer. Actually, all you will see is the nose and I can do the rest with white house paint and a roller. Hope she likes it. Did I mention that this is a big boy painting?

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

And  available Now –  One Man Standing

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

I couldn’t make this stuff up:

            I woke up one Sunday morning feeling that I ought to go to church with Avon. Now, I go to church often, or sometimes, or when there’s a wedding, funeral, or christening. Friends have warned me that if I walked into a church on my own that the roof would fall in, so I was a little nervous and kept my eye on the ceiling. The priest was doing a bang up job; he was a humorous old ripper. He was almost finished when he looked up and saw me. He faltered. He excused himself and had to sit down for about a minute, and then got up and resumed. As he was preparing the communion, he looked at me again, slumped over, and collapsed. I thought, “Uh oh, I killed a priest.” and started looking for an exit. Folks ran up, messed with him, and determined that he was having a diabetic reaction. They called for a diabetes kit or some candy. When I go to places where I can’t talk I always carry little Brach’s mints to keep my mouth from getting bored. So, I took some up, and they gave them to him. In a few minutes, he was starting to come out of it. When the paramedics were taking him to the ambulance, he was talking his head off in Latin (he still had his microphone on). I suspect that he was warning them about me, but nobody could understand him.

            I told a friend about this and he said that Rome would probably declare it The Miracle of the Mint and have me canonized. Does that mean they are going to use a cannon on me?

An Extra Dose

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

And  available Now –  One Man Standing

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

These things only happen in the movies, and to me:

            It was a warm spring day and I was in the third grade for the first and only time. It was all I could do to keep my eyes open. My head was propped up in my hands and I was going to hit the desk at any second. Mr. Gore, the teacher, came up behind me, put his hand on my shoulder, and asked, “Spring fever?” Then he started singing in a rich, strong baritone, “Lazy bones sleeping in the noonday sun…” Mr. Gore was a regular at the St. Louis Muni Opera. When he finished, there was a tremendous ruckus from the hall. The whole second floor of that school, teachers and students, were out there clapping like crazy. I was awake by then.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

And  available Now –  One Man Standing

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

A little nonsense goes a long way:

            Without question, I dish out a lot of nonsense in my day-to-day existence. Most people only have to deal with me for short periods of time, and for the most part, they leave me smiling. The one person who has to deal with me for long periods has resorted to several sanity saving devices. One of which is her Honda Civic. She can hop into it and makes a much-needed getaway. Another is her built in BS meter, which measures the acceptable level of BS (you all know what that stands for) that her system can stand. When critical mass is approaching, her pupils disappear and little wisps of steam come from her ears. That’s when I grab the first available vehicle and make a much-needed getaway.

Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

And  available Now –  One Man Standing

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw8@gmail.com

Globetrotting:

            Some years ago, Avon and I happened to find ourselves in London, England. We landed at Gatwick and took a double-decked bus to King’s Cross Station. There we got into one of those little black taxies to go to our hotel. It was a short ride and the driver told me how much the fare was, which meant absolutely nothing to me. I could barely speak the language. So, I pulled out a handful of coins and asked if that would cover it. He said, “Very good, Govner.” and took the money. I later learned that I had given him the equivalent of $17 US dollars for a 2-block taxi ride. I’ll bet that boy just loved to see Yanks come into town. I know you’ll find this hard to believe, but that was not the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.

Semi-Famous Quotes...

1.   Never have your wife hold the end of the spark plug wire while you check the firing of the lawn mower.

2.   2. Old age is like money, it comes and goes.

from long time friend, Charlie Vohs

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

And  available Now –  One Man Standing

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw8@gmail.com

I always try to have helpful suggestions:

            I was getting ready to leave the house one morning to play golf, and the lovely Avon was giving me her usual once over to make sure that I hadn’t dressed like a fool. She plays golf there too and can’t have me out there embarrassing her. As I was heading for the door, she started messing with my back pocket flap. I asked her what she was doing and she told me that she was trying to button it so I wouldn’t lose my wallet. I told her, “Just put it in the other pocket – it’s already buttoned.” The woman lacks a sense of humor that early in the morning.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

And  available Now –  One Man Standing

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw8@gmail.com