Country Living:

Living out here in the forest I encounter a good number of wild critters, for instance yesterday the biggest doe I had ever seen ran through the yard. A deer is one thing and birds are another thing, but squirrels were created by the devil to give me grief. They are arrogant, sassy, and destructive. They must breed 22 times a year and that would put a rabbit to shame. A squirrel is naturally a vegetarian, but like most vegans they will cheat when no one is looking and eat something else like baby birds, wiring insulation, or in my most recent case one tried to eat my truck.

So I declared myself to be in a state of all out war with tree rats. I called it Squirrel War I.  I would sit on my deck with a loaded pellet gun hoping they will come within range. One evening after dinner I picked up my weapon and my half finished beer and took up my position. It occurred to me that I had gone completely Hillbilly with a gun in one hand and a beer in the other. It also occurred to me that I had the gun in my left hand and I couldn’t shoot left-handed. I was in a panic until I realized that I could however easily drink beer left-handed – just another one of those upper echelon decisions that have to be made in times of crisis.

Whenever I would get one I would pitch it out into the road and the cars flatten it in no time to where you can pick it up by the tail and throw it. It will sail better than a Frisbee. I just made a deal with Wang’s Chopstix R Us - a local Cashew Chicken place. I wouldn’t recommend eating there.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – Rubio   And now….Cain…just Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw

When I Looked Death in the Eye and Saw that It Was Brown:

The names have not been changed to protect anyone because none of us were innocent. (A true story as best I can remember it)

My first summer out of high school I was pretty cocky and full of myself, and so were my friends. We got in the habit of going to East St. Louis on a regular basis. There were a couple of Rhythm & Blues joints there where we could get in for a nominal fee, i.e. there was a $5 cover charge, but if you were smart enough to put 2 of them together you were considered smart enough to be 21. We went whenever we could afford it. You had to bring your own bottle – so we did, but you could get high from the fumes that came off whatever was being passed around almost every table except ours of course.

One Saturday night when we left the Blue Note Club we decided to get something to eat at an all night B-B-Q place down the street. We had been there before during the daytime and never had any trouble. Anyway we were 4 bad assed white boys from up over the hill. We placed our order and were sitting at the counter Tom, Jack, Dave, and myself. The rest of the place was empty except for a couple of workers and their guests in the back and the boss at the cash register. Passing the time just looking around I checked out the workers and friends in the back and saw that they were checking us out as well. I saw one cook running his thumb over his knife, which was about as long as a Samari sword, reading his lips I saw him say, “That white headed mother (something or other) is mine.” I was the only sun bleached fair-haired one in the place. Nudging Tom I drew his attention to the back room. It took him a few seconds to get the drift, but he acted smoothly and with dispatch saying to the cash register man, “Could we get those sandwiches to go?” The man said,” Good idea!”

We got em and we did go, in fact we went so fast we broke the sound barrier getting our bad assed little white boy selves back up and over that hill.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – Rubio   And now….Cain…just Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw

On the course:

A wonderful thing happened the other day on the golf course. You need to know that there are 2 things I’m not beyond doing. One is using creative math on a scorecard and the other is picking up a lost ball. Well I picked up a lost yellow ball and put it into my bag; I later cleaned it off and found it to be… are you ready for this… a Sponge Bob Golf Ball! I love Sponge Bob and truly believe that he was Chris’s twin brother that the hospital people kept him from us because they knew I would show him favoritism.

           * * * * *

Birth control is a good thing to know about, but I’m sure glad my parents didn’t.

* * * * * 

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – Rubio   And now….Cain…just Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw

The Truth is Out:

The ever young and lovely Avon, my wife of  nearly 50 years, is a person with a cross to bear, and it is me. Just last week someone was making a comment about something I had written and she wasn’t aware of it. Then the truth came out that she never reads this blog. Her (sort of) exact words were, “I have to listen to him night and day. I’m not going to spend my time reading him too. I’d just as soon have a root canal.” When I heard those words my heart leaped – that means I can say whatever I like about her without fear of consequences, unless of course one of you blabs.

Don’t try this at home or anywhere:

            Have you ever been a weed trimmer in your yard and hit a pile of dog doo, which of course splatters you?  Your first thought is @*??^?##! That is quickly followed by whose dog did that, which is quickly followed by @*??^?## again – always trust your first instinct.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – Rubio   And now….Cain…just Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw

A Matter of Health:

One of the most aggravating things about the ageing process is that your skin gets so thin that it cuts and bruises almost without provocation. And it happens so often that you don’t even take the most basic care of it. The other day I was working in the garage when I scraped my arm and of course here came the blood. Not even thinking about bacteria I grabbed the handiest greasy rag to staunch it. After doing so I thought what would Avon say if she knew or what would my nurse neighbor say about that? Giving those questions a little thought I decided that they weren’t going to say anything because they weren’t going to know about it. I would just wait in the garage until the bleeding stopped and then who would be the wiser.

 But the little niggling question about germs was still there, so I looked for a cleaner greasy rag. Finding none I thought about using sawdust – that should be clean. Then there on a shelf was my answer; a paint rag! No germ could stand up to turpentine. When I stopped jumping around and blowing on my arm I decided that I needed a little first aid kit for the garage.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – Rubio   And now….Cain…just Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

From the kitchen window:

This time of year the hummingbirds are trying to fatten up for the trip to Central America. They have to fly across 500 miles of open water non-stop, which is good because there is no place to stop. Anyway they get really aggressive and possessive at the sugar water feeders. There is usually one who guards it and fights the rest. Sometimes it is almost like a dance without music and sometimes they will buzz each other with intent to do real harm. Four females have run the little male who used to feed there off several weeks ago. So when I see them starting their maneuvers I yell, “GIRL FIGHT!” and run to the kitchen window. They are really awesome, now if I could only get them to do that in some mud or tapioca pudding I could sell tickets.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – Rubio   And now….Cain…just Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw

Doing it Right:

This morning when I first stepped outside, I heard a young and amorous little flycatcher in a tree just calling his heart out. He was calling his true love, which of course was a young lady flycatcher. But she in turn was giving him the cold shoulder. Phoebe... Phoebe...Phoebe, he would call, and alas his pleas were ignored.
I've had this conversation with flycatchers before, and for some reason this young fellow's father never passed the word down to him. I guess that's why they don't have a Flycatcher Father's Day. So I walked out in the wet grass and stood beneath the branch where that youngster was pleading his case and I told him.
"Boy, you ain't gettin' nowhere with all that mournful whining. To do this thing right you've got to take her to dinner, bring her flowers, take in a movie, go dancing, bring her a nice fat June Bug, but don't sit in a tree moaning your life away. Otherwise you're gonna wind up a lonely old bachelor with nothing to show for your existence but a whole bunch of frustrations."
He took wing and beat it out of there. I didn't know if he was going out to find a June Bug or a new tree. But I saw my neighbor's wife looking out the window at some fool standing in the wet grass at 5:30 am yelling at a tree.... I went inside.

Unfortunately, many of these stories are true, but on the bright side... my neighbors don't seem to get too close.

 Books by Lou Bradshaw available on Amazon Kindle

 A Fine Kettle of Fish – Hickory Jack – Blue – Ace High – Blue Norther – Cain

–  One Man Standing – Rubio   And now….Cain…just Cain

Visit me on Facebook Lou Bradshaw Artist – Author or www.facebook.com/loubradshawarts

Or you can contact me at loubradshaw7@gmail.com

Or at Amazon Author Central www.amazon.com/author/loubradshaw